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Hair on my back I don't plan to shave I got the house to myself while the wife's away I'll be rockin all night Yeah I think I'll drink me an ice cold brew Lounge in my boxers like I used to do There'll be no Ally McBeal on the tube No...I'll be watchin the fight Well it's a great day to be a guy Playin cards my buddies until sunrise You know I never thought that my neighbor would Be sunbathing topless Lord she sure looks good I caught a ten pound bass out on the lake Played 18 holes with my best friend Jake Best balls I hit was when I stepped on a rake (FORE) (oh God) Oh it wuddn't too bright (Gee whiz) Now I look in the fridge what do I see? Last night's pizza starin back at me Pepperoni and anchovies What a beautiful sight Well it's a great day to be a guy Buck naked in my lawn chair swattin at flies Got some hot dogs on the charcoal grill Don't want to burn my wieners but I probably will That fried baloney And cheese macaroni Tasted good this afternoon But now I'm passin Some serious gas an I might have to leave the room P UUUUUUUUUUUUU Well I might go get me a new hairdo Spend a couple hours at a tanning booth Might even get me a gold front tooth (muffled as if a patient in a dentist chair) Oh yeah yeah And it's a great day to be a guy But when my wife gets home she's gonna tan my hide I'll be hung over but a-lookin good From a week of reliving my bachelorhood It's a great day to be a guy But another week of this and I'll probably die I Tend to party harder than I should When my wifes not here to make me be good Yay whooo Breath Parody of "Breathe" by Faith Hill (Holly Lamar/Stephanie Bentley) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark/Jeff Carter SSSHHH I can smell the onions floating in the air Must be something that you ate I can't imagine how your mouth must taste Forgive me if I turn away The slightest whiff just brings me to my knees Almost pass out in your arms I need a gas mask every time that you come near And the halitosis starts I can smell your breath It's choking me to death The only who doesn't know is you Here's some gum to chew Er...Baby there's no way you're kissing me What you have for lunch? Don't you ever brush? Maybe a Binaca Blast or two is what I'd suggest I can smell your breath BAD BREATH!!!!! It's tough to be there when you're waking up And that green cloud fills up the room It's worser than it's ever been before And I know and you know And everybody in a three mile radius knows You should a dentist soon Cause I can smell your breath It's gagging me to death Something must have died inside of you What you ought to do Is chase a Cert or two With Listerine Even when you're gone The odor lingers on I'm buying you an Oral B and a jumbo tube of Crest Cause I can smell your breath Bad breath Can't you smell the fog that's floating through the air Must be something that you ate... SSSHHHH Willie's Got A Big Deck Paula Jo Taylor/Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark Taylor Legacy Publishing (ASCAP)/ Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC) Whoa uh what time is it 6:30 in the morning my gosh... WILLIE, Willie!!! What are you doing over there? Building the Taj Mahal? It's Sunday morning! It's 6:30! Can't that wait till Monday? What are you putting up over there a log cabin? God I wish he'd move Yeah I bought a little house in a west side neighborhood The girls came over to party life is good Till Willie moved in next door and he's made my life a wreck Now the girls are always over at Willie's cause Willie's got a big deck WITH A hot tub on it And the girls really want it There's a band playing and lots of thong bikinis There's a barbeque grill in the corner and they're eatin' weenies Check out the blonde on the hot tub ladder I guess it just goes to show size does matter Willie's got a big deck... I decided to get some redecoratin done I got some plants made sure they were well hung I thought a long hot tanning bed might do the trick But all I got was this tan and Willie's got a big deck WITH Hot babes on it And they know how to flaunt it In those itsy bittsy teeny weeny yellow dental floss bikinis They're drinking frou frou drinks with umbrellas and they're burning tikis Check out the twins on the hot tub ladder I guess it just goes to show size does matter Cause Willie's got a big deck Well If you can't beat 'em might as well join 'em And that's exactly what I did Now me and Big Willie and I are the best of friends And some day I'm gonna be like him Cause Willie's got a big deck WITH My tanning bed on it And the girls really want it The hot tub's bubbling over with thong bikinis They're funnelin beer and sippin martinis There's a nekkid redhead everybody's staring at her Willie showed us all size does matter Cause Willie's got a big deck Hey you know mine might not be as big as Willie's but it's...uh...all I got... You know I was thinking about adding on what do they call it? Like an add-a-deck-tomy? Whew that's a lot of wood right there... BIG DECK Let's Burn One Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark/ Cledus Crap Anthems(SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC) I got a buddy named Stacy Fay He's been known to stay up for days Pulls the shades and locks himself in the house Sits in his room with his hand on his mouse His phone's been busy now for over a week So I dropped by to see what in Sam Hell is going on And here's what he said to me: Come on in and let's burn one Cledus No need to go to the record store I've got every song that you're looking for On my PC And they're all free Just click and download you some MP3s Presto you can make your own CDs I'll show you how it's done Fire up the computer and let's burn one Before my eyes could not believe my ears Every song ever sung in the last fifty years He made me Conway Twitty's greatest hits And threw in the Flock Of Seagulls for the flock of it Time sure flies when you're burning one It was three A. M. when I got home My wife was mad at me Till I gave her that CD With a mix of her favorite songs And I said Lemme show ya how to burn one baby No need to go to the record store I found every song you're looking for on the PC Even got me No you won't ever find me downloading porn Just Haggard and Jones, Limp Bizkit and Korn And I could use some Brooks and Dunn So Fire up the computer and let's burn one Country jazz rap and pop A lotta Bocephus and a little Kid Rock And like Toby says "Get'chya some Fire up the computer and let's burn one I don't know if it's wrong I ain't saying it's right But I'd sure love to hear some Metallica tonight And I'm a little low on funds So fire up the computer and let's burn one Fire It up My Voice (In the works) Parody of "One Voice" by Billy Gillman New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark/ Some kids have it some kids don't. I was eleven when I was signed I was on the CMA's and y'all thought that Vince Gill sang high Then puberty Played a trick on me A few moustache hairs A change occurred My voice matured My first single did so good I bought bikes for all my friends at school A little something for mom and dad like an in-ground swimming pool ooo Look at this pimple oh man it hurts The sweetest voice you'd ever heard Till my voice matured My voice, my high pitched voice It just went away It happens to all boys It keeps changing every single day. I bet nobody thought I'd go overnight from soprano to bass Now all of my hits are too high for me to sing (all the way ????????) I need some help It sounds absurd I used to sing Just like a girl But my voice matured My voice matured My voice matured Oom pah pah mau mau mau Man Of Constant Borrow Parody of "Man Of Constant Sorrow" (Traditional) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark/ Cledus Crap Anthems(SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC) Uh yessir do you have Man of Constant Borrow by Cledus T. Judd No sir somebody's already borrowed it Constantly borrows everything I'm the man of constant borrow There's nothing I can call my own Some may try to say it's all stolen I prefer permanently loaned He's the biggest mooch we ever known SOLO My grass mowin Bot I've got no mower My neighbor won't let me use his I can't really say is though I blame him Kept it three years last time I did He thought for sure that it was his I need a ride down to the pawn shop Lend me the keys to your Corvette What do you mean you don't trust me I never not brought it back yet I don't think I could take that bet You know dang well (he's gone away) Well you may have heard of me Cledus T J-U-double-D Better known as the reining King of country parody Coming with a new style High profile When I'm on the mike well you know I'll get hog wild Comedian Extrodinaire A fat Eminem with the bleach blonde hair I know that you think I've got your chainsaw You can't find it anywhere I can't cut no wood Since way fore winter I gave it back to you last fair Check his garage it's probably there I sure could use a hundred dollars I'll gladly pay you back Tuesday I know that's what I said the last time You can't believe a word I say He has no plans to (really???) pay Let's Shoot Dove Parody of "Let's Make Love" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill (Chris Lindsey/Marv Green/Bill Luther/Aimee Mayer) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark Buddy I'm sick of shootin at clay (PULL) Dreaming of opening day How bout you Yeah me too The only thing I want to do Is hunt with you Kill a bird or two Go get your gun Let's shoot dove All day long Until all our shells are gone Shoot five times Then reload Run like heck if the game warden shows Yeah when the sun comes up Let's shoot dove You know Faith gets mad at me When she thinks I'd rather be In a field with you Sipping brews Shootin anything that moves I think my sight's alittle off to the right You can't hit nothing Let's shoot dove All day long Until our eardums are blown By tonight One things for sure Boy our shoulders will be sore I just can't get enough Let's shoot dove (slight artillery prictice) Let's shoot dove All day long Until all our shells are gone Point your gun Towards the sky I want to see them feathers fly And when the sun comes up I can't get enough Let's shoot dove Hey d'jou get one Nah d'jou I think I winged one 1/2 Parody of "Yes" by Chad Brock (Stephony Smith/Jim Collins/Chad Brock) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark Hey everybody welcome out tonight hope you're having a good time out there Don't forget the waitresses and a coming up next we got Sheena on the main stage Athena on the disco And don't forget we got :(chorus) Take it off baby : Those recliner dancers in the back : Stick around and get those dollar bills out guys and tip tip tip Take it off baby Take it off baby Well here's how this whole mess got started Had a stripper at a bachelor party I knew when she jumped out of that cake We were meant to be The next date we both flew off to Vegas I must have been an ignoramus I honestly believed that she Loved me just for me Oh...wasn't six months it came to an end I walked out of the courtroom crying She left with a grin Cause she got half And I said "OW!" I mean dang That comes to nearly fifty thou Per date My butt had never been so chafed Cause she got half I wondered if I'd remain lonely Or would I find my one and only Then the answer to my prayers Appeared on my TV (Call me now) The cutest little tarot card reader I knew that I just had to meet her Then she said it was in the cards For her to marry me Oh...wasn't three months later I was in court again No way she could have predicted The way it would end Cause I got half And she said "OW!" Two dollars a minute So everyone call right now Your Future awaits And I will be the next Bill Gates Cause I get half Sometimes you're better off as friends Cause if it ever ends Then they get half And you'll say "OW" So I'm not looking to get married right now I've Got a date With a beautiful Playboy Playmate Who won't get half No she won't get half If George Strait Starts Dancin' Bill Whyte/Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark. Steve Ivey Music (ASCAP)/Cledus Crap Anthems(SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC) Every time a country awards show comes on my TV I'm forced to put up with some choreography I really like She*Daisy and Sara Evans is mighty fine But I prefer my country music without all that bump and grind So Shania put some clothes on Stop prancin' all around And Mark Miller I get dizzy watching you spin with Sawyer Brown Even Jo Dee Messina's shaking her hips and all of her red But if George Strait starts dancing somebody shoot me in the head Well you never saw Hank Jr. do the electric bugaloo And I can't see Merle Haggard moonwalking in his boots Now Faith Hill is a diva and she can shake her bootyful thing But I prefer my country singers to just hold real still and sing So Kenny Chesney keep your hat on Quit trying to get down You don't see Brad Paisley sugar footin like James Brown (Hey...I want to get in too) Even the Dixie Chicks got their groove on and Earl's dead But if George Strait starts dancing somebody shoot me in the head Last night I had a bad dream that country was going pop I seen Alan Jackson break dancing while McGraw did the robot So Trace Adkins put one glove on if you're gonna dance like that You move like Michael Jackson but you wear a cowboy hat (Hee Hee) Now I don't much agree with what Lee Ann Womack said So if George Strait Starts dancin somebody shoot me in the head If George Strait Starts dancin somebody shoot me in the head Just Another Day In Parodies Parody of "Just Another Day In Paradise" by Phil Vassar (P. Vassar/Craig Wiseman) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark Writers screamin Phones ringin My lawyer says that the mailman's bringing me a stack of cease and desist Man I'm getting sick and tired of this After my last album My accountant Said I owed about a hundred thousand In legal bills retainer fees Wish everybody'd stop suing me Cause all I did was take a hit song Swear I didn't know it When I rewrote it That I was doing anything wrong Well if Phil Vassar's mad at me Well it's just another day in parodies Well there's no song that's safe from me Well it makes sure, we'll see But I won't get any royalties Still I ask my label pretty please Ooh oooh for just another day in parodies I'm a big star New cars Never thought I'd take a joke this far At the CMA's I sit beside Garth Brooks and his ex-wife But lately seems like I catch hell for every song I write Funny videos I've done a few Making people laugh is all I wanna do But last might I had a bad dream CMT banned me GAC canned me They won't play no more comedy Well lawsuits legalese It's just another day in parodies But there's nothing else I can really sing I'll take one of Faith's Two of Tim's I always have good luck with them That's my very own recipe Ooo For just another day in parodies If Shania Twain's mad at me It's just another day in parodies But deep down she want to be Cledus T Cha-ching, cha-ching I wish the cash register would ring Oh I bet that Weird Al would agree Ooo It's just another day in parodies It's just another day in parodies (Vassar: Oh man I'm not mad at you Cledus you look nice nice hair I like that - * laughs *) Leave You Laughin' Cledus T. Judd/Paul Overstreet. Cledus Crap Anthems(SESAC)/Scarlet Moon Music, Inc./Admin by Copyright Management Services, Inc. (BMI) Lately I've been thinking about this crazy life I live All the things that I've been given And just what I have to give Oh I may not be a rich man in a lot of people's eyes But I found the treasure I can share Inside this heart of mine CHORUS Oh I'd like to be remembered by the smiles on your face And if troubles come to find you you can always look my way I will be right there beside you as you travel down life's road I hope I leave you laughing when the curtains close I'd like to give you silver around your clouds of gray Some gold that you can cling to and the memories we made And if by chance tomorrow Heaven's angels call And I go on before you to the greatest show of all CHORUS A merry heart would make good medicine the Bible tells us so That's what I try to bring to you at each and every show CHORUS I'd sure like to leave here laughing when the curtains close DON'T MESS WITH AMERICA Parody of "Only In America by Brooks & Dunn (Kix Brooks/Don Cook/Ronnie Rogers) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris "P. Cream" Clark (U-S-A CHANT) They never should have messed with New York City Kha ha They don't want none of old Uncle Sam We stare right in the face of terror And you know Lady Liberty still stands With F-15s and our special forces God bless everyone we sent To defend freedom and our nation And thank goodness Bush is our President... CHORUS I Don't mess with America Or we'll beat you red, white, and blue... Don't mess with America That's the last thing that you want to do... You already had your chance Now we're going to kick your a(bleep)s... Don't mess with America... Bin Laden's going down like a White House intern (Cledus - spoken: Kind of sounded like Ronnie Dunn...didn't I?) And while we're at it let's get that nut Hussein... When the threat of evil is finally silenced You'll hear how loud freedom can ring... They started something we're gonna finish (George W. Bush: Those people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon…) And we won't rest until that day (GWB: We will not tire. We will not falter, and we will not fail.) Everywhere you look you see them flags flying (U-S-A CHANT) (GWB: God bless America) And what that stands for...ha ha...they can't take that away (GWB: My fellow Americans, let's roll...) CHORUS II Don't mess with America Or we'll beat you red, white, and blue... Don't mess with America Bin Laden I'd hate to be you... You don't stand a chance We're going to open up a can of Whoop-a(bleep)s Don't mess with America... I said DON'T (bleep) with America You're over there and preaching about a holy war... DON'T (bleep) with America Ha! You're gonna be full of holes before one of them Navy Seals finds ya… DON'T (bleep) with America And by the way get a beard trim. (U-S-A CHANT) |