 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
Please-able Unbreakable She's inflatable She's an arm full of sex appeal Can't wait till I get her home Yeah She's incapable Of being difficult Down to earth-able Biodegradable Shania Twain Ain't got a dad blang thing On my tease-able Squeeze-able Please-able She's inflatable Most folks think I'm full of baloney I'm never lonely Never thought I could buy someone not Flammable Air brain-able Recycle-able No I ain't full of bull Didn't need a down payment on that pretty little plastic thing It made my mama cry When we ran off one night And caught a Vegas flight And I made her mom whine She blew her mouth still when I gave her a ring My flexible Patch-able Washable Yeah inflatable (Oh Dang lady you give a new definition of taking a man's breath away) Makes me feel so proud that I'm her feller I'd never sell her People get your mind out of the gu-gu-gu-gutter She's blonde-head-able Re-head-able Remediable Interchange-able I didn't need a down payment On that pretty little plastic thing She's incapable Of being difficult Down to earth-able Biodegradable She blew her mouth still when I gave her a ring My please-able Patchable Washable Bio-degradable Air-brain-able Squeezable Washable She's inflatable That Diamond Rio song had way too many syllables Coronary Life Parody of Ordinary Life by Chad Brock (Connie Harrington/Bonnie Baker), Magnolia Hill Music (ASCAP) (A division of McSpadden-Smith Music LLC). New lyrics & music by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music (SESAC) Cledus at the kitchen table Short of breath, legally disabled Wife walks in, she's so surprised Can't believe I'm still alive I say I'm hungry for biscuits and gravy That patty melt that you always made me But I can't eat that anymore They say grease kills; Tastes good to me Day in, day out it's all I eat My third bypass, unclogged the valves Just to clog them again Never felt worse; A constant thirst Lordy how my left arm hurts I blame my job, I blame my wife For this coronary life Cledus on the ER table Vital signs ain't too stable Hey, Doc, I'm proud of you I didn't think that I'd pull through Later in Intensive Care I had the nurses laughing there So thankful Blue Cross will pay For the bills, my IVs Four thousand dollar EKGs That's the last time I need Angioplasty It's off I go to Type-O To improve my cardio It's about time I said goodbye To my coronary life Sweat's pouring off me at the health spa The Stairmaster's wore me out again You know I can't believe how much I miss The way I used to live I'd eat red meat, Pickled pigs feet Always craving something sweet My food was fast, But that's the past I can't eat fat again Aerobicize, Reduced my thighs No more German chocolate pie I miss my fudge, I miss my fries And my coronary life Ricky Tidwell's Mama Is Gonna Play Football (Tim Wilson/Dean Daugherty) Timothy Wilson Music (BMI)/Admin. by Copyright International/Lowery Music (BMI) Tim Wilson lyrics Ricky Tidwell was a great athlete He was a big strong boy that was quick on his feet And every college in the country wanted Ricky on their line Oh when the scouts came knocking on Ricky's door They didn't want to talk to young Rick no more When they saw his mama she's the one they wanted to sign She was a real bold woman raised on a farm Had Bear Bryant tattooed on her forearm She was meaner than hell and ran the 40 in 4.3 She could squat 600 bench press 5 The hands down meanest homemaker alive Got a scholarship playing linebacker in the SEC Ricky Tidwell's mama is gonna play football Her real name's Doris but they're gonna call her "Too Tall" She's got shoulders and a hind end four foot wide Going to college on a full ride Doris Tidwell's gonna play in the NC-double-A She'd wash all her team mates uniforms Tucked everybody in in the football dorms Cooked the game meal, said the Lord's prayer You're missing a jockstrap? She's got a spare Crawled in the huddle, and called all the plays The only one tough enough to go both ways Yeah...a mouth full of mud, scoured up knees Cussing out the coaches spittin' on referees Ricky Tidwell's mama's gonna play football Her real name's Doris But they're gonna call her "Too Tall" They say she's a fine young man but she's really not Ricky's mama was the master of the cheap shot And on the triple option play she could ruin your day She led the team in tackles and the league in sacks Responsible for killing nine running backs But the school's reputation was destroyed They accused Ricky's mama of steroids Ricky Tidwell's mama's on probation Now the college is under their eighth investigation They wouldn't leave poor Ricky Tidwell's mama alone She'd been takin' male hormones Doris Tidwell's gonna be hell In the NFL I got a flagrant personal foul #52 illegal use of a clothesline ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CTJ lyrics Uh Ricky Tidwell was a great athlete He was a big strong boy that was quick on his feet And every college in the country wanted Ricky blocking on their line And when the scouts came knocking on Ricky's door They didn't want to talk to young Rick no more When they saw his mama she's the one they wanted to sign She was a real bold woman raised on a farm Had Bear Bryant tattooed on her forearm She was meaner than heck ran the 40 in 4.3 Well she could squat 600 bench press 5 The hands down meanest homemaker alive Got a scholarship playing linebacker in the SEC Ricky Tidwell's mama is gonna play football Her real name's Doris but they're gonna call her "Too Tall" She's got shoulders and a hind end four foot wide Going to college on a full ride Mrs. Tidwell's wouldn't play in the NC-double-A She would wash all her team mates uniforms Tucked everybody in in the football dorms Cooked the game meal, say the Lord's prayer You're missing a jockstrap? She's got a spare Crawled in the huddle, and called all the plays The only one tough enough to go both ways Yeah...Her mouth full of mud, scoured up knees Cussing out the coaches and the referees Ricky Tidwell's mama's gonna play football Her real name's Doris Everybody calls her "Too Tall" They say she's a fine young man but she's really not She's the master of the cheap shot And on the triple option play she'd ruin your day She led the team in tackles and the league in sacks Responsible for killing nine running backs But the school's reputation was destroyed They accused Ricky's mama of steroids (I thought that woman was awful stout) Ricky Tidwell's mama's on probation Well the college has started an investigation Yeah They wouldn't leave poor Ricky Tidwell's mama alone Said she'd been takin' male hormones Mrs. Tidwell's gonna do well In the NFL (repeat to fade): Ricky Tidwell's mama 15 yard penalty: illegal use of a clothesline Can I have your autograph ma'am...or is that sir??? Christ-mas Parody of "This Kiss" by Faith Hill (B.N. Chapman/R. Lerner/A. Roboff) Almo Music Corp. (ASCAP)/Warner Timberlane(BMI)/Macy Place Music (ASCAP) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music (SESAC) I don't want another fruitcake, I don't need another ugly tie...NO! Heard they had a sale on go karts Down at Wal Mart Ho ho a good buy. Got no money in my pocket. Can't believe it's Christmastime. It's the crowds that bug me Stuck in traffic like this. It's kids causing a commotion. It's shop at your own risk. It's that Tickle Me Elmo, It's (dang) un-find-able Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!! Un-shopp-able! Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!! It can make a feller uptight. I must have been to fifteen stores or more. All I wanted was a Lite Brite But they sold out last night...of course. Time I buy my kids a swing set, I'd be broke forevermore... Tis the season of givin'. Tis that time of year. Twas the night before Christmas, Twas a pain in the rear. It's the credit card payment, Its (ahhh) un-payable... Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!! Return-able. Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!! You'll see Santa hop the rooftops Rudolph's nose will be glowin' so bright. There's a whole lot of parents losin' sleep Nuthin' silent about this night... Oh, Christmas is pure promotion Let us not forget why... We're all out shoppin'. We're all out buyin'. It's the off-key caroling. Grandma's mistletoe kiss. It's that one string of light bulbs You can never get lit. It's that gallon of egg nog, It's so (uhhh) undrinkable. Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!! Decorate-able. Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!! It's the things you buy me baby. It's the things I buy you darlin'...yeah. It's the crowds that bug me Stuck in traffic like this. It's kids causing a commotion. It's shop at your own risk. Its that Faith Hill CD. They're all sold out-able. Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!! Beautiful. Christ-mas!!! Christ-mas!!! It's the things you buy me baby. It's the things I buy you darlin'...yeah. Cledus the Karaoke King Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music (SESAC) It's Thursday night down at Taco Mac It's like a can of sardines the way the place is packed They're piled in here for just one thing It aint the beer battered greased soaked onion rings To hear (Cledus) the karaoke king Well Im the biggest star that ever hit this town Heck I'm known for at least a mile around I'm a vocal chameleon after a couple of brews I sound like Vince, Garth, Terri Clarke, and Reba too When I sing I swear the girls come unwound And my friends in low places always brings the house down They all put down there beer and wings To hear (Cledus) the karaoke king I'm a part time beautician A Wanna be musician I was born with it in my blood I'm a mover and a shaker A request taker And the president of my own fan club I sign eight by tens for all my friends beats all you've ever seen It wont be long until I get a record deal (It's Cledus) the karaoke king I guess you'll wondering what I'm still doing round here Since I won the Kross French karaoke competition last year I sang "He stopped loving her today" Just like George Jones and one of his gold plated chrome tin microphones Well the only time that I ever got booed is when I busted a rap by the 2 Live Crew The more you all drink the better I sing (It's Cledus) the karaoke king I'm a part time beautician A wanna be musician I was born with it in my blood I'm a mover and a shaker A request taker And the president of my own fan club I know every word to every song you've heard Cause they're printed right there on the screen I even stand on the bar and play air guitar (It's Cledus) the karaoke king Some people call it karaoke I call it a summer tour I'm Cledus the karaoke king Shania I'm Broke Parody of "Honey I'm Home" by Shania Twain (S. Twain/R. J. Lange) Universal Music Publishing Group (BMI)/Zomba Music Publishing (BMI) New lyrics & music by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music (SESAC) Let's get jiggy with it Uh OHHH My front won't crank I owe the bank I'm gonna pay em back but right now I can't My record went gold half a million sold My wallet was fat But I spent all that (All that) Just when I bought Things I couldn't afford Now Uncle Sam's knocking on my door All that stress I'm so depressed Do not mess with the IRS. Loan shark says its time to pay Says I got till the end of the day Nothing left to do but pray Pray (He'll) Give (Me) One more day Shania I'm broke I need help right away I blew what little bit of money I made You and me where on C.M.T. So why can't I seem to make ends meet Radio Shack keeps a billing me They say their gonna repo my color TV Pick up the phone Throw the man a loan Say (You'll) Pay Shania I'm Broke I'm poor as hell Can't ya tell That's why I've got my house for sale I try in vain But it's not the same I just can't emulate Mutt Lange Have you got a place that I can stay Maybe just for a couple days Check with Mutt see if it's ok Say (The) Word (I'm) On my way Shania I'm broke And I need a pay day If you got an extra million send a little my way If Shania was mine didn't make me a dime So I had to steal your song just one more time Look-y who's back it's Cledus T. I know ya thought you'd heard the last of me This aint no joke Your my only hope Pay (To-) Day Shania I'm broke Aww write a check will ya Hey Shaina I tell ya what I'll do if ya let me borrow $135 dollars To pay my stretch Yugo payment I'll give you four free hair cuts and a bang trim And even sing backgrounds on your next record (HEY-EY-EY) Shania I'm broke I'm ashamed to say That Super Bowl bet didn't go my way Won't ya please buy my new CD Or I'll be filing bankruptcy All my creditors are suing me I owe back taxes from 93 I know your home so pick up the phone Pay Me today Shania I'm broke I'm broke Man I'm broke Where the Grass Don't Grow Parody of "Where the Green Grass Grows" by Tim McGraw (Jess Leary/Craig Wiseman), Song Matters Inc. (ASCAP)/Leary's Tavern Music (ASCAP)/Daddy Rabbit Music (ASCAP)/Famous Music Corp(ASCAP)/Almo Music Corp. (ASCAP) New lyrics & music by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music (SESAC) (Coughs) Ahhhh…uh Oh (coughs) AHHHCHOOOOOO Ah my head feels as big as a dad blang basketball It's a shame I'm a sight Red eyes itchy both day and night My head's all stuffed up tight again Oh no spring's back Another dang allergy attack I bought some Sudafed And took the whole dern pack And I still can't breathe and I cough and I hack I want to live where the grass don't grow I'm sick and tired of blowin my nose Never again will you hear me go ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOO So much congestion in my chest Doctor's said that it might be best For me to move where the pollen count is low Where the grass don't grow I wonder if Tim McGraw's got any of that snifflin night time Sneezin achin stuffy head coughin Wake up on the top of your tour bus medicine for me (coughs) I sold my leaf blower My two horsepower push mower Won't see me outdoors this time of year (coughs) This ragweed is a getting rough My hay fever is getting tough I'm all out of Vicks Vapo Rub And there's dust everywhere And enough is enough I want to live where the grass don't grow A big high rise or a small condo If I never blow again it'll be too soon Won't ever touch another garden tool I'll sip Margueritas by the swimming pool There will be one less seed I'll have to sew Where the grass don't grow (Coughs and sneezes) :Oh my head Here we go I want to live where the grass don't grow It's killing me here where the mulch blowers blow I've tried everything I know to do Can't keep the sneezin cough suppressed Try to give my sinuses a rest I'm going to go where the pollen count is low Where the grass don't grow (Sneezes and coughs till end) Hillbilly Honeymoon Bruce Burch/Freddie Weller/Cledus T. Judd, Foray/Caretaker Music (BMI)/Young World Music, Inc. (BMI)/Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC) Been together four years and have five kids So we did the right thing and finally got hitched We tracked down the preacher after altar call And proceeded to the VFW Hall When he said Cledus T. do you take (Debra Liz ???) I stuttered I do knowin' I done did The wedding cake was Moon Pie stacked three tiers And the punch bowl flowed with Falstaff Beer Now that's about as swanky as this town gets For they don't throw rice heck they threw GRITS No stretch limousine, just a full sized van But at least we was headed to the promised land On our hillbilly honeymoon No champagne caviar or Cordon Bleu… A can of Vienna Sausage and a Mountain Dew And soda pop too On our hillbilly honeymoon Spent all our money on pay per view Didn't need Playboy to get in the mood Just a roller derby wrasslin and a Rambo II And III and IV I was up in the room On our hillbilly honeymoon Well after a while things simmered down So we got dressed up for a night on the town There ain't nothing too good for my sweetheart Took a romantic stroll through the Super Wal*Mart We got back wanting some fancy cuisine We bought out the whole dern vending machine MMM MMM good On our hillbilly honeymoon No dainty little plates of finger food Just M&M's Snickers and tomato juice And Cheez Wiz too On our hillbilly honeymoon I spent half our savings on the hardware aisle She spent the rest on the latest styles A thong underwear that drove me wild Back in the room I tried them on too On our hillbilly honeymoon Well it's been three years got four more young'uns Ain't a lot of time for much kissin and a huggin No No No For the last eight weeks I slept on the couch Think it's about time we renewed our vows And took another hillbilly honeymoon No (???) egg nog just barbecue With a box of wine will be nice down too Won't need a corkscrew Yeah On our hillbilly honeymoon We can raid little Tommy's piggy bank Scrape up a hundred dollars worth in change Just enough for a night at the bowling lanes And some new perfume Cheap hotel room On our hillbilly honeymoon In Another Size (Performed by Waite Gaines and Patricia Earwood) Parody of "In Another's Eyes" by Garth Brooks/Patricia Yearwood (Bobby Wood/John Peppard/G. Brooks) Rio Bravo Music, Inc. (BMI)/Cat's Eye Music Ltd. (admin. by Rio Bravo Music, Inc.) (BMI)/Major Bob Music Co, Inc/No Fences Music (admin. by Major Bob Music Co., Inc.) (ASCAP) New lyrics & music by Cledus T. Judd/Bruce Burch, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Foray Caretaker Music (BMI) I need another size Cause I'm someone who Has eat too much for these size 32s Gonna bust out the seams From too many fries Need another size Ye-ea-ea-ea Miss Patricia Earwood You need another size At least try some oh Cause believe you me You ain't skin and bones Your britches way too small To fit them Calvin Kleins You need another size Ye-ea-ea-ea I need another size Cause I'm afraid that I can't breathe These skin tight starch new Wranglers Look like they're painted on me I need to jazzercise But I'm way too lazy to Cause every time I look my belly's proof I need another size Oh need another size Cause folks stare at me There in the buffet line Where it's all you can eat The scales don't lie You lost the Phen Phen fight Need another size Ye-ea-ea-ea And what they don't see These pants are killing me I need a trainer and a nurse my blood pressure's high 'Cause in another size I can double up on sweets They've got to make some Wranglers that will fit my physique But they don't specialize In pants the size of parachutes So I guess I'll walk around in my birthday suit Till they make another size Need another size We need another size Livin' Like John Travolta Parody of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin (Robbie Rosa/Desmond Child), Warner/Timberlane/A Phantom Vox Publishing (BMI)/Universal Music Publishing Group (BMI) New lyrics & music by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music (SESAC) Let’s get Ricky with it dadadadadada He’s into aviation and scientology. He’s been my fascination ever since that movie Grease. It’s become an addiction I get the fever every Saturday night for Urban Cowboy and Pulp Fiction, Boy In the Bubble makes me cry. Phenomenon and Face Off earned him critical acclaim. I’d love to live his crazy life, have his fortune and his fame and a few of his old flames. Hair blow dried up way out Livin’ like John Travolta Bee Gees turned up loud, Livin’ like John Travolta, Buy my own Lear jet If I wasn’t so broke-a. Known all over town Livin’ like John Travolta. Wish I was john Travolta Livin’ like John Travolta Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah-choo Tried to make it in New York city just like ole Johnny did I got a part in a bad big movie that film was a piece of sh(bleep). (Look out now) Welcome Back Kotter Barbarino was his name. With Horshack, Juan, and Washington those Sweathogs were insane, But I love him just the same. Come on. High school I dropped out Livin’ like john Travolta. Put on a few pounds Livin’ like John Travolta. Named my first son Jet My wife thinks I’ve gone loca All I talk about is Livin’ like John Travolta Wish I was John Travolta Living like John Travolta. His last name means High Voltage, There’s Greased Lightning in his veins. Quentin Tarantino pulled his career out of the drain Maybe he could do the same, For me. Pants legs flared way out. Livin’ like John Travolta. Burned the dance floor down Living like John Travolta. Films are never bound more hits than Sammy Sosa. I am all about Livin’ like John Travolta, Wish I was John Travolta Livin’ like John Travolta. Gadda gadda gadda davi-la John man Johnny Johnny Johhny Travolta baby Olivia Newton John Travolta Johnny Johnny Johnny Tra-V |