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If I could offer you one tip for the future it would be get sunburned. The long-term effects have been proven by scientists to cause premature aging, swollen feet, and melanoma. But what the hell you gotta die of something. You'll have a healthy glow, and you'll look great. At least for one summer anyway. The rest of this is philosophical nonsense that I will attempt to regurgitate at this time. Enjoy the power and beauty of your babysitter. Oh never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your babysitter until you are too old to enjoy them. Legally. Take nude pictures of yourself. Trust me, in 30 years that's the only way you will be able to see your feet. You are every bit as fat as you imagined. Worry about your future. Especially if it doesn't look like you are going to have one. It won't change the outcome but will create deep cavernous wrinkles along the forehead area. The real things that will ruin your life are the ones that never cross your mind, but do cross four lanes of traffic and blindside your antique '79 green Gremlin on a Monday rush hour. Do something everyday that scares the living hell out of you. Look in the mirror. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Who knows, you may need theirs for a transplant someday. Belch. Just belch. Don't waste your time on Jeopardy. Jerry Springer is much more educational. And remember, the race is long and in the end your knees are shot, you're dehydrated, and all you have to show for it is a paper number. Remember compliments - there won't be many. Don't forget insults - you may reuse them. Keep your old love letters, especially the dirty ones. Who knows when you might need one for a good cheap thrill on a lonely Saturday evening? Feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. Good golly Miss Molly, you're almost 40 get it together!! Most of the people I know were in jail by the age of 22 -heck some of them were in jail by the age of 13. They know what they wanted to do. Maybe you'll marry, hopefully you won't. But if you do, one thing's for sure, you will be divorced -and broke and homeless, etc. ETC. Maybe you'll collapse in the rec room of the Brittle Hills Old Folks Home while attempting the Funky Chicken in your Depends. Abuse your body. Pierce and tattoo every imaginable orifice you can. It's the greatest instrument you will ever own. Play the hell out of it. Dance. Preferably in a strip bar. You'll make a heck of a living. Don't read the directions. The guy who wrote them is probably illiterate and doesn't know as much as you do. Read nudie magazines. Don't look at the pictures. They may make you feel inadequate. CHORUS Feel free to get sunburned. It's OK What the hell. At least you'll look good, for a day. It's just as well. I never liked my sibling. Still don't. Since he hit a Top-Flite golf ball through the windshield of my '74 Volkswagen convertible. Never paid me back. Brotherly love my nekkid **s. Friends come and go. But some will stick around and bum off you for the rest of your miserable minimum wage life. Work hard to buy a bridge for the gaps in your teeth. Because the older you get, the more rotten they become. Live in Las Vegas. Wayne Newton does. Live in San Francisco, but leave before it makes you hard. Maybe you'll have a trust fund. If you do, trust me, you'll have fun. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. Believe me, they will make you sign a prenuptial. Don't mess too much with your privates. You won't go blind, but by the time you're 40 they will look 85. Be careful about whose advice you buy - 'specially when you are paying 2 dollars and 99 cents a minute for it on the psychic hotline. Some people say money can't buy happiness, obviously they're not shopping in the right places - like a downtown corner at 2 AM in the morning. And remember, what you hid from your parents as kids, you will hide from your kids as parents. Hey, but trust me about that sunburn. CHORUS Feel Free To Get Sunburned - The Not Nearly As Long "Do the Funky Chicken In Your Depends" Mix Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark/Bruce Burch/Scott Rouse/Heidi Campbell, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC)/Care Taker (BMI)/Foray Music admin. by EMI Music (ASCAP)/Shaboo Muisc (BMI)/Heidi Campbell Music (BMI) Ladies and gentlemen with no class: get sunburned. If I could offer you one tip for the future it would be get sunburned. The long-term effects have been proven by scientists to cause premature aging, swollen feet, and melanoma. But what the hell you gotta die of something. You'll have a healthy glow, and you'll look great. At least for one summer anyway. The rest of this is philosophical nonsense that I will attempt to regurgitate at this time. Enjoy the power and beauty of your babysitter. Oh never mind, You will not understand the power and beauty of your babysitter until you are too old to enjoy them. Legally. Take nude pictures of yourself. Trust me, in 30 years that's the only way you will be able to see your feet. You are every bit as fat as you imagined. Worry about your future. Especially if it doesn't look like you are going to have one. It won't change the outcome but will create deep cavernous wrinkles along the forehead area. Do something everyday that scares the living hell out of you. Look in the mirror. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Who knows, you may need theirs for a transplant someday. Belch. Just belch. Don't waste your time on Jeopardy. Jerry Springer is much more educational. And remember, the race is long and in the end your knees are shot, you're dehydrated, and all you have to show for it is a paper number. Remember compliments - there won't be many. Don't forget insults - you may reuse them. Maybe you'll marry, hopefully you won't. But if you do, one thing's for sure, you will be divorced -and broke and homeless, etc. ETC. Maybe you'll collapse in the rec room of the Brittle Hills Old Folks Home while attempting the Funky Chicken in your Depends. Abuse your body. Pierce and tattoo every imaginable orifice you can. It's the greatest instrument you will ever own. Play the hell out of it. Dance. Preferably in a strip bar. You'll make a heck of a living. Don't read the directions. The guy who wrote them is probably illiterate and doesn't know as much as you do. Live in Las Vegas. Wayne Newton does. Live in San Francisco, but leave before it makes you hard. CHORUS Feel free to get sunburned. It's OK What the hell. At least you'll look good, for a day. It's just as well. Don't mess too much with your privates. You won't go blind, but by the time you're 40 they will look 85. Be careful about whose advice you buy - 'specially when you are paying 2 dollars and 99 cents a minute for it on the psychic hotline. Some people say money can't buy happiness. Obviously they're not shopping in the right places - like a downtown corner at 2 AM in the morning. And remember, what you hid from your parents as kids, you will hide from your kids as parents. Hey, but trust me about that sunburn. CHORUS My Cellmate Thinks I'm Sexy (Dance Mix) Parody of "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" by Kenny Chesney (Paul Overstreet/Joe Collins), Scarlett Moon Musin (admin. by CMI)/EMI Blackwood Music, Inc./Jelinda Music (BMI) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC) Hi-Ho Silver AWAY After my show thought I'd have a little fun Hopped on a horse Lord he sure could run Well I got a butt kickin when the police finally caught me (Give me back my horse) Not a moment too soon Tim McGraw jumped in Did his best Jackie Chan got a cop on the chin Now I don't understand why they's arresting me My cellmate thinks I'm sexy I really turn him on He's always staring at me When them guards are gone I'm running out of cigarettes He's asking me to dance He say's I'm looking good In these orange pants I really wish that Indian Outlaw was here to protect me… My cellmate thinks I'm sexy… I'd give anything to be back on my bus I'm hiding in my bunk but he's climbing on up Swears all he wants me to do is sing him one of my songs Says he's got a dream I'm afraid of what it is You're never gonna see me on a horse after this I only get one call I hope Faith is home My cellmate thinks I'm sexy He just won't leave me alone He's blowing kisses at me And I'm a duckin' 'em all I hate to break it to him I'm in no mood for romance What part of NO don't this fool understand I'm in big trouble if someone don't come and get me My cellmate thinks I'm sexy Well one day behind bars is long enough Cause when I drop that soap oh his eyes light up *whistle* My cellmate thinks I OOH My cellmate thinks I'm sexy I really turn him on My name is Kenny Chesney This ain't nowhere I belong Hey wait a minute dog gone it He said I can ride it Me and Tim's in trouble Buddy one thing is for sure George Strait's gonna kick us off his George Strait Tour I'd call Tracy Lawrence but he's in the next cell beside me My cellmate thinks I'm sexy My Cellmate Thinks I'm sexy WAZZUP!!!!!! NASCAR Races (in the works) |