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Hi-Ho Silver AWAY After my show thought I'd have a little fun Hopped on a horse Lord he sure could run Well I got a butt kickin when the police finally caught me Give me back my horse Not a moment too soon Tim McGraw jumped in Did his best Jackie Chan got a cop on the chin Now I don't understand why they's arresting me My cellmate thinks I'm sexy I really turn him on He's always staring at me When them guards are gone I'm running out of cigarettes He's asking me to dance He say's I'm looking good In these orange pants I really wish Tim McGraw was here to protect me… My cellmate thinks I'm sexy… I'd give anything to be back on my bus I'm hiding in my bunk but he's climbing on up Swears all he wants me to do is sing him one of my songs Says he's got a dream I'm afraid of what it is You're never gonna see me on a horse after this I only get one call I hope Faith is home Answer the phone My cellmate thinks I'm sexy He just won't leave me alone He's blowing kisses at me And I'm a duckin' 'em all I hate to break it to him I'm in no mood for romance What part of NO don't this fool understand I'm in big trouble if someone don't come and get me My cellmate thinks I'm sexy Well one day behind bars is long enough Cause when I drop that soap oh his eyes light up My cellmate thinks I UH My cellmate thinks I'm sexy I really turn him on My name is Kenny Chesney This ain't nowhere I belong Me and Tim's in trouble Buddy one thing is for sure George Strait's gonna kick us off his George Strait Tour I'd call Tracy Lawrence but he's in the next cell beside me My cellmate thinks I'm sexy My Cellmate Thinks I'm sexy UH I had him from hello WAZZUP!!!!!! Goodbye Squirrel Parody of "Goodbye Earl" by Dixie Chicks (Dennis Linde) EMI Blackwood Music, Inc. on behalf of itself and Rising Gorge music (BMI) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC))/Of Music Inc. (SESAC) (Be vewy vewy qwiet…we are huntin' somethin') Me and Harold Muffert were outdoors men Set in our backwoods ways Both members of the huntin' club Both active in the NRA (National Redneck Association) We scouted a location where we had no doubt We'd kill the biggest buck in the world (About a 34-pointer) Harold waited in his tree stand But all he seen was a squirrel Dang near two weeks since the season started And neither one of us was amused (HA HA HA) We had on real tree camo, high-powered ammo But no big game to shoot Then we finally saw a deer as big as a horse Harold had him in his crosshairs (Shoot him!) But that squirrel jumped off of a branch above us And landed in Harold's hair (Dang, get it out! Dang!) Harold fell off the stand, on his head he landed Like a wimp he laid there cryin Till I climbed on down, Picked him up off the ground And it didn't take us long to decide, That squirrel had to die Goodbye squirrel With black-eyed peas, You're gonna taste good to me Squirrel It's you or me, Come on out of that tree Squirrel Hey guess what, You've eaten your last nut Squirrel Me and Harold went down to the surplus store Bought a keg of dynamite Two baseball bats and a case of M-80s We were in for one heck of a fight (We'll show you!) When you're huntin' with dumb and dumber Something's surely bound to go wrong (Now be careful) And when Harold lit that real short fuse I knew it wouldn't be long When the dynamite blew, Harold's foot did too And fingers began to fly (Fly) We were barely alive When the game warden arrived And much to our surprise, That squirrel didn't die (Gosh!) Goodbye squirrel Just one more shot, You'll be in my crock pot Squirrel You'll make a lunch, You overgrown chipmunk Squirrel I'll skin ya hide, And make a hat when it's dry Squirrel (Deadgum Earl, Ronnie Milsap could shoot better than you Gimme that, I said gimme that gun Look out! Look out, duck! I think I killed somethin') What the *$@# Did You Say Parody of "Whatever You Say by Martina McBride (Ed Hill/Tony Martin) Careers-BMG Music Publishing Inc./Music Hill Music/Hamstein Cumberland/Baby Mae Music (ASCAP) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music Inc. (SESAC) You see I'm always talkin When I should be drivin But everybody does it these days You say I'm gettin cancer Everytime I answer Yeah...whatever you say Wish I could change my service Should have never signed up Heck it never works anyway... The signal's always breakin I can't hear nothin Hey what did you say? I know that you can't hear me There ain't no use in listenin' I can't tell what you're sayin All I hear is hissin Yeah the more that I roam The more I gotta pay I'm on my cell phone... What the *$@# did you say? I ought to get a beeper It be a whole lot cheaper Just throw this cell phone in the lake. I'd really love to call you But even when I get through It's always what did you say? Can anybody hear me? Or am I just wastin minutes? I'm in 1500 750 was my limit Hey I gotta go I can't hear you anyway I'm on my cell phone... What the *$@# did you say? Oh the more that I roam The more I gotta pay I'm on my cell phone... What the *$@# did you say? More Beaver Parody of "Me Neither" by Brad Paisley (Brad Paisley/Frank Rogers/Chris Dubois) EMI April Music, Inc, on behalf of itself of itself and Sea Gayle Music (ASCAP) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark/Dennis Gardiner, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music Inc. (SESAC)/Darin Gardiner Publishing designee I've been known to lay here And watch TV all night Flippin through the channels But can't find the thing I like What happened to my favorite shows Where they went I'd like to know But right now what I need most in my life's More Beaver Wally, Ward, and June Them there Cleavers Nothin' else'll do Seinfeld's awful funny Home Improvement's kind of cool But what I'd really like to see On my TV's More Beaver Now Nick At Nite done brought them good ol' shows back from the past My Three Sons and Happy Days are here again at last Them Technicolor, black and whites I Dream Of Genie day and night The only thing that I like more than M*A*S*H is More Beaver See him and Wally fight "Why hello Mrs. Cleaver..." Eddie Haskell's so polite I've seen every episode A hundred times or more I know, One thing you can't get too much of in life's More Beaver That never hurt no one, I've been watchin' Ever since that I was young. Now each night when I go to bed I turn on the TV instead. My wife will tell you just how much I love More Beaver (spoken) Ladies and gentlemen Brad Paisley on lead guitar Bet you can't play the pianer That's why he's nominated for entertainer of the year TALENT I bet you $5 you can't play a fiddle Uh...would you take $3.50...us sorry Give me that guitar, I'll show you how to play it YEAH Thanks for showing me that lick there Fred... More beaver Y'all thought that I was done Gonna keep on singing I'm having too much fun This here is just a silly song And I hope that y'all don't take it wrong Do you think I'm ever gonna get me some??? Me neither. The Record Deal (In the works) Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark/Lewis Anderson, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music Inc. (SESAC)Round The Row Music (BMI) How Do You Milk A Cow Parody of "How Do You Like Me Now" by Toby Keith (Toby Keith/Chuck Cannon) Tokeco Tunes/Wacissa River Music (admin. by MRBI) (BMI) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC) Yeah I was always the lazy one, A Southern Californian, But I've got some kinfolk on the Mason-Dixon line. So this summer just for fun Hopped in my DeLorean And headed for my uncle's farm for a short time. I thought that I would be huntin' and fishin'. I misunderstood him somehow. So far there's nothin' but chores here to mention. I didn't mind feedin the sows. But HOW DO YOU MILK A COW? How do you milk a cow? I wasn't in FFA. This cow must think i'm crazy Up under it this way. I'm sittin' here a pullin', but there ain't nothin' comin' out. Oh E I E I O… How do you milk a cow? Yeah I love it here in Tennesse, But these farmers all make fun of me. Can't haul much hay in a tiny sports car. So I got myself a 4 wheel drive, Learned to spotlight deer at night, And I've got shearin' sheep right down to an art. One thing's for sure, I hate shovelin' manure, It gets all over my overalls. Them horses need shoein' I hear Bessie mooin'. So I thought maybe I'd ask you all. HOW DO YOU MILK A COW? How do you milk a cow? I think it's safe to say A man could get arrested for this in LA This heifer must be empty 'cause she ain't puttin out. Oh E I E I O, Tell me how do you milk a cow. (Spoken) This song is absolutely an "udder" disaster. I hope I don't get mad cow diease. How do you milk a cow? I no longer care. I'm gettin sick and tired of smellin' dairy air. I'm headin' back to Cali And I'm turnin' in my plow. Oh E I E I O. How do you milk a cow? A Night I Can't Remember Parody of "A Night To Remember" by Joe Diffie (Max T. Barnes/T. W. Hale) Curb Songs/Kinetic Diamond II/Rob 'N Reily/Songs Of Peer, Ltd./Gramily Music Publishing (ASCAP) New Lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark/Jeff Carter, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC)/Jeff Carter music (ASCAP) Paul does this kind of thing every day Yeah Like what skip a rehearsal You know we got the CMA Awards tomorrow night What are we gonna do about a drummer (to a kid) Hey you come here You ever played drums before No Want to Yeah Get in there and beat 'em then OK hot dog Start too soon you little showboat Who do you think you are Tommy Lee Jones Let's go Uh…not bad for a four year old Been dang near two years Since I had a beer By gosh that's changing tonight Gonna start me a tab Call me a cab (* whistle *) TAXI Might even get in a fight I ain't going hog-wylin' forever Gonna have myself a night I can't remember Miller Lights a shot of Crown Man that stuff burns goin' down One too many Coke and Jacks It'll all come floatin' back That Old Cuervo's way too strong But one more 'fore I go home fire up the blender Gonna have myself a night I can't remember (Give me a cool tab and a gun) Drunk ain't my style And it'll be a long while 'fore I pull that stunt again (Oh my head) Tylenol and Tums Oh no here it comes I'm prayin to the porcelain This hangover can't last forever Done had myself a night I can't remember OH Shot out the lights Kicked down the door Woke up face down on the floor I'd better call someone and ask How'd I wind up in this cast I got stamps on both my hands I wonder who threw that beer can Right through my winder Done had myself a night I can't remember OHHHHH My dang liver's nearly gone In AA's where I belong Hey thanks bartender Done had myself a night I can't remember Twelve steps my foot I can't even take two And by the way kid you're hired Just no drinkin' I mean it Momma's Boy (In the works) Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC) Wife Naggin' Parody of "Sin Wagon" by Dixie Chicks (Natalie Maines/Emily Robison/Stephony Smith), Scrappin Toast Music (ASCAP)/Wooly Puddin' Music (BMI)/EMI Blackwood Music, Inc./Singles Only Music (BMI) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC) She bosses me around dang near all of the time She might be my wife but I won’t kiss her big behind No matter how much she whines… Hand me that balloon right there Boy I used to love to do this when I was a kid Watch this Hey watch this girl Plowboy, ain't that funny, plowboy (Sounds of a horse going neigh) (Sung) (1st Verse) Well I'm a packing up my truck and I' m a head down south Where real men packa lips with dips in their mouth Start a moonshine steal sleep in a tent buy some cheap livestock find some land to rent Then I'm a Cledus T. it up and down the farm With a couple of barns a baby calf in my arms You know I hate to brag but I'll be tilling the most Run a barbwire fence from post to post Keep shells in my gun, Deer heads on my walls Live out in the sticks and wear overalls why because I wanna Find me a home in a cow town baby Where the buffalo roam read the farmers almanac for all the right reasons Make sure my crop is the top of next season Cledus T. is a farming freakazoid Yeah I'm heading down south sucka Because I wanna be a plowboy baby (With my upraised hat on my john deer tractor) Plowboy baby (Redman pouch for the chewing tobaccer) Plowboy baby (Sleeping at night cause I work all day) Plowboy baby (You can smell my pigs from a mile away) (2nd Verse) I bet you'll hear my rooster crowing when the day begins He goes.. (Sounds of a rooster crowing) In lust for a hen Home schooling, home fries, good homemade wine Well harvest the fields (But not before its time) Plant peas, and beans, green beans and rice Haul manure from the barn to fertilize And if the price is right I'm gonna sell my hay boy And let G-E-O-R-G-I-A know why they calling me the Plowboy baby (With my truck locked down in a four wheel drive) Plowboy baby (Living like a king in a single wide) Plowboy baby (Sleeping at night and bushhoging all day) Plowboy baby (Thank god for Willie Nelson and Farm Aid) (3rd Verse) YEAH... Cledus T. you can call me a hick The only woman for me is a Dixie Chick I got two billy goats week 'fore last Till my snapper gets fixed They'll be cuttin' my grass Back hoeing, scare crowing, shoeing my horse You know a horse is a horse (Of Course, Of Course) Screws up the spread gotta make it look right I gonna paint my barn red and paint my fence white UH! Find dayus, calm and toe tomatoes Irrigate some ground for my sweet potatoes Drink wine makers, storm like Quakers Got no love for you vegetable haters How I'm gonna buy my seed Sell my soul to the seed and feed My dog is green just like my hay bail Ain't no chickens in my yard keep em all in my trailer Dog named old yeller cut through a stick I'd slop my hog but I (Already feed it) I'm picking off ticks, scratching poison oak But I keep on sucking thanks to calamine lotion (Plowboy) got a 4230 with my diesal whining (Plowboy) spend all my time on a big combine (plowboy) Praying at night it'll rain some day (Plowboy) You can smell my pigs from a mile away (Plowboy) Got my crop laid out and the sunshine shining (Plowboy) Got an old tin steel with my moonshine shining (Plowboy) You can smell my swine Merry Christmas From the Whole Fam Damily Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (SESAC) Twas the fight before Christmas When all through the house No furniture left standing, no TV or couch Our aquarium, heck they even knocked over my Chia Pet MeMaw was flung 'cross the room by her hair By her sister Ethel who never fought fair LET'S GET READY TO TUMBLE!!!!!!! The children all wrestled and jumped off the beds Dropping elbows and knees on each other's heads And MaMaw wth her frying pan and Pa with his bat Cleared half the room in ten seconds flat The whole brawl began from an innocent matter When Aunt Flo thought Eugene said "She looks a whole lot fatter" She knocked him through the window he fell with a crash Tore down the gutters and busted his LEG REALLY BAD You ought to have saw it It looked like he'd been in a motorcycle wreck No Kiddin Yeah awful I couldn't turn to look at it You see both sides of our family have never gotten along And every holiday something always go wrong You ain't supposed to fight but spread joy in this season But when they get the nog they just look for a reason In no time at all everybody joined in And right there we squared off with our closest of kin It's a time for givin said Uncle Bill As he gave a black eye to his brother-in-law Phil I heard somebody say "It's the thought that counts And right now I'm thinking about knocking your butt out" Presents and fists flew all over the room And NaNa had some fancy moves with the broom She took out three cousins and knocked down the tree And I ducked just in time she swung out at me It's my favorite time of year Dad always has too much beer Gets on the roof and hunts reindeer Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily Tie the antlers on the dog Save some shine for Santa Claus From all the in-laws and outlaws Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily I crawled to the phone Lord it seemed like a mile And called 9-1-1 which we keep on speed dial In a matter of minutes out the window appeared Flashing blue lights and the Sherrif John Deere Just then six men burst through the door Some yelling "HEY IT'S US" Some "GET ON THE FLOOR" A stray punch from Grandpa found the sherrif's chin And just for good measure he clocked him again It took all 6 cops to get Grandpa in cuffs You know he gets feisty when he runs out of snuff We all stopped our fighting and cheered Grandpa on Heck I thought he could take them I guess I was wrong As they dragged him outside he yelled "I'VE BEEN FRAMED" He was kicking and screaming and calling them names "You (bleep) You (bleep) Let me go you (bleep) You donut eatin stupid (bleep) son of a (bleep)" We stood on the porch as did all our neighbras Who always took interest in our family's behavior "Mind your own business" we heard Grandma shout And "We'll take back the presents and then come bail you out" By now we'd forgotten what we were fighting for We were battered and bruised but united once more Then we all joined hands and sang "Violent Night" Violent Night And we heard Grandpa exclaim as they drove off out of sight: "Merry Christmas to all...MAN that was a good fight!!!!" Deck your neighbor deck the halls Tis the season for a brawl From all of us to all of y'all Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily Merry Christmas from the whole fam damily |