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A feller can't get no rest around this joint Well she got up this morning at 6 am She was grumpy as could be Not a snowballs chance of sleeping late Cause she starting vacuuming Said get your lazy butt up Cledus Ya gotta take me to the mall Don't forget to bring them credit cards Cause I'ma gonna usea em all Wives do it all the time We could meet all their demands A bunch of female General Schwarzkoff's A barking off their commands They spend all our money It's a mystery how us men folk can survive Oh why do we get hell if they break a nail Wives do it all the time Oh her makeup scattered all over the place And the bathrooms a cloud of dust Didn't leave no gas in my pick-up And she hates the way I get my hair cut Ya know you sure are a cold one baby Ya get green with jealousy When I steal your Victoria's Secret Or watch Mindy on C.M.T. Wives do it all the time We could meet all their demands Ya know they lose all their sweetness When we give them that wedding band They spend all our money It's mystery how us men folk can survive Well they never fail to find their sale Wives do it all the time Well she just might get frisky tonight So I'll get no where near her And if she says Cledus come on the bed I'll pretend that I don't hear her Ewwww They spend all our money Its a mystery how us men folk can survive Beats all I ever saw they'll bankrupt us all Wives do it all the time Ya Wives do it all the time, all the time Wives do it all the time, all the time Wives do it every time, every time Wives do it Mine does it all the time First Redneck On the Internet Cledus T. Judd/Jim Beavers Cledus Crap Anthems/La-Po Music Inc (SESAC)/Skronk Bonk Tunes (BMI)/Homesick Cowboy Music (BMI) Well Lordy mercy, I was in a mess My wife run off with my TV set Didn't bother me none that she had to go 'Cept I was gonna miss all my TV shows So I looked up to Heaven, got down on my knees And I cried Dear Lord will ya help me please I need a TV by tomorrow night 'Cause Rick Flair's involved in a title fight AND IN THIS CORNER Well I guess my tithing finally paid off Cause early next morning shoulda seen what I saw Reached in my overalls for my inhaler Cause there's a big brown box right in front of my trailer I used my truck keys cut open the box Oh I was hoping for a Sony or a Magnavox I looked at the name thought oh my gosh This must be a new one called Macintosh Well my last TV was a whole lot wider But this one here come with its own typewriter It had all the letters from A to Z I guess ya just type in what ya wanna see Well I thought I punched WWF But the TV screen said world wide web Then I broke out in a cold cold sweat I was the first redneck on the internet CHORUS (Buck Owens and chorus) He was the first redneck on the internet A bonafide countrified cyber threat He went online just one time And now they'll never forget (Won't forget) The first redneck on the internet It was all so new I shoulda taken my time But I slammed that mouse up to four wheel drive The last time I did so much pointin and clickin I had a .22 rifle a shoopin at chickens Then all of a sudden it occurred to me The power I had with this fancy TV I could get back at my ex-wife With the touch of a button I could ruin her life So I got the number off her MasterCard I bought a new lift kit and four new tires And I got online to her bank account Huh went ahead and closed that sucker out I had her power and her water shut slap off Then I sent an email to her dad blame boss Letting him know that she told me She'd have his job by the end of the week CHORUS Now the moral of the story as a matter of fact In a couple of days I got my TV back She said she'd like to come back as well I told her to go straight to AOL *Now I thank the Lord and the UPS For dropping that box by Clete's address If ya ever wanna find him it won't take long Type www.cledus.com To reach the first redneck on the internet The bonafide countrified cyber threat He went online just one time And how they'll never forget (Won't forget) He was the first redneck on the internet Hey Buck appreciate the help son. YOU ARE THE MAN WORLD WIDE WEB POPULATION FOUR ZILLION. SALUTE Every Light In the House Is Blown Parody of Every Light In the House by Trace Adkins (Kent Robbins), Irving Music, Inc./Cotter Bay Music (BMI) New lyrics by Cleuds T. Judd/Chris Clark, Cledus Crap Anthems/La-Po Music, Inc. (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (BMI) I told you I'd leave some flares on In case you ever wanted to find my home You frowned and said well the dang law should arrest ya Now this old house keeps falling apart So I went down to the local Wal-Mart And bought this Coleman lantern to impress ya Cause every light in the house is blown I keep on a-clapping but they don't clap on House looks like where the Amish live There's really no point to pay the power bill Cause every light in the house is blown The numbers wont even light up on my telly-phone Cause every light in the house is blowed It got awful dang depressin' The bulbs all blew out one by one And I just cant afford right now to replace them Until then I'll sit here in the dark Cause I cant get this old generator to start Now I got four batteries but I don't want to waste them Cause every light in the house is blown I'd love to sell the place but it cant be shown Looks like just like where the Clampett's live Before they packed up and moved to Beverly Hills Every light in the house is blown No more reading Country Weekly while I'm on the throne Cause every light in the house is blown Can't see a thing till the crack of dawn House looks like where Ben Franklin's born Before he flew a kite in an electrical storm Every light in the house is blown I was hoping maybe Trace would float me a loan Cause every light in the house is blown Third Rock From Her Thumb Parody of Third Rock From the Sun by Joe Diffie (John Greenbaum/Tony Martin/Sterling Whipple) Major Bob Music Co., Inc. (ASCAP)/Stroudcaster Musci/Baby Mac Music (BMI)/Rio Bravo Music (BMI) New lyrics by Chris Clark/Richard Fagan/Cledus T. Judd Cledus Crap Anthems/La-Po Music, Inc. (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc (BMI) Don't tell her what it's worth third rock from her thumb Well he walked in the pawn shop one thing on his mind Wants to buy a diamond but he doesn't have a dime He finds the one he likes and they cut him quite a deal A 2-carat solitaire but neither one's real Picks up the payphone puts it to his ear Calls his chick collect and says "Get over here" When he shows his girlfriend she can't believe her eyes She never thought she'd ever really get one that size He tries to think of something when she asks him "where'd ya get it" "Down at Jiffy's Pawn" but he never will admit it He tries to change the subject "Forget the wedding list Let's head out to Vegas and get it over with" Flaws and defects No brilliance Hopes she never finds out how much he spent Nothing else shines like a zirconia UH Don't tell her what it's worth, third rock from her thumb Just outside of Vegas the truck gets a flat She said we would have made it if you weren't so dog gone fat They tried to hitch a ride from some hippies from a van To a ratty little motel called the S&M Grand Puts on her big ol' nightie gives him a little wink Ring slips off her finger down the bathroom sink She starts to call a plumber he begins to shout Get me a coat hanger I think I can get it out Dishes out the ring and a big ball of hair Slips it on her finger as he pats her derriere Thinking to himself it's a lucky thing A plumber would have cost me a lot more than that a ring Flaws and defects No brilliance Hopes she never finds out how much he spent Nothing else shines like a zirconia UH Don't tell her what it's worth, third rock from her thumb Flaws and defects No brilliance Hopes she never finds out how much I spent Nothing else shines like a zirconia UH Don't tell her what it's worth, third rock from her thumb Wondering what it's worth, third rock from her thumb No telling what it's worth, third rock from her thumb Mindy McCready Parody of Little Bitty by Alan Jackson (Tom T. Hall) Halfnote Music (BMI) New lyrics by Richard Fagan/Cledus T. Judd If Music, Inc. (ASCAP)/Cledus Crap Anthems/La-Po Music, Inc. (SESAC) Uh...I met Shania Twain and I met ol Tim McGraw Billy Ray Cyrus and little David Ball A little bit of luck and my life will be complete There's a little bitty blonde that I'd really want to meet I sure like Mindy McCready Start pumpin iron and a-eatin my Wheaties Got to get in shape If I want to get a date But first I gotta lose a little bit of weight MINDY My little bitty sweetie in her little nighty gown A litty bitty kiss and I'd probably come unwound I love to watch her dance and I like to watch her sing Want a little better look at her belly button ring I sure like Mindy McCready Take a little ride down to Panama City Just the two of us on her little bitty bus With a whole lot of love and whole lot of lust MC CREADY I work a little job for a crummy little check Heck I'd trade it all for a hug around the neck Paid a lot of hope for my little bitty scheme Cause I could never fit in her litte bitty jeans I'm a good old boy she's a pretty little girl Wish I had a chance to rock her little bitty world I'm a little bit insane cause I love her somethin fierce Gonna go and get my big old belly button pierced UGH I'd sure like to meet Mindy McCready Give me half a chance and buddy yes indeed-y Guys do it all the time I'd better get in line Better go and buy her some of Deana Carter's wine I sure love Mindy McCready Start pumpin iron and a-eatin my Wheaties Got to get in shape If I want to get a date But first I gotta lose a little bit of weight I'd sure like to meet Mindy McCready Give me half a chance and buddy yes indeed-y Guys do it all the time I'd better get in line Better go and buy her some of Deana Carter's wine Hey Mindy I got your (Kryptonite???) Did I Shave My Back For This? Parody Of Did I Shave My Legs For This? by Deana Carter (Deana Carter/Rhonda Hart) PolyGram (ASCAP)/Door Number Two Music (ASCAP)/Miller Moo (BMI). New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark/Adam Dread, Cledus Crap Anthems/La-Po Music, Inc. (SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. (ASCAP/Man Of Leisure Music (BMI) A mason jar full of shine A CD of Leann Rhimes Is what I bought for our anniversary tonight Now here I stand with my petunias in hand And you've got a headache again I hit a yard sale cut my toenails Trimmed my nose hairs just right I thought you'd be impressed By my new hunting vest But there's no chance tonight It ain't the first time this year It'll be the TV and beer I about forgot what's its like to be here As I sleep on the floor While she sniffles and snores Did I shave my back for this Oh man Aww woo This things duller than a dag burn butter knife Now I'll bet she'll regret That she didn't let Me take her to that motel with a pool You know its so hard to find Free HBO and Showtime And them vibrating beds sure are cool I souped up my RV Fired up my Flobee Trimmed my toupee just right I tried self tanning cream it turned my skin green Uh you know the directions uh said that it might Well its a mystery to me Why she don't like Cledus T. Most find me hard to resist I'm wearing my brand new drawers And wondering what the heck for Did I shave my back for this DEE-ANNA Did I shave my back for this Ohh ohh ohh (Coughs) Hankenstein Christopher Clark, Of Music (ASCAP) HANKENSTEIN Midnight in Montgomery Full moon shining on a shack For a country music legend is about to be brought back Cledus got the idea from the late night creature feature And figured he would foller a similar procedure HANKENSTEIN Now laid on the table is the body of a man In a white suit Cowboy boots And a guitar in his hand He's hooked up to a tractor with a set of jumper cables And if anything could start a cold cold heart a John Deere should be able. HANKENSTEIN Now what's about to happen here is nothin' less than shockin With a record player in the corner blaring Hey Good Lookin' That foot began to tap along with that old 45 And you can hear old Cledus yelling UH OH HE'S ALIVE!!!!! CHORUS: HANKENSTEIN He's a honky-tonkin monster HANKENSTEIN He's a honky-tonkin monster HANKENSTEIN He's a honky-tonkin monster HANKENSTEIN In no time Hankenstein was mo-anin' the blues And Cledus has decided it's time to spread the news They'll hit the road and put on shows all over the nation Yeah, he's gonna be the next country music sensation HANKENSTEIN Everyone still loves to hear the tale of old Kawliga And they all sing and dance when he cuts loose on Jambalaya Playing on the Opry stage was his final test Now Hankenstein has become a monster success CHORUS Lovesick in a hotel on the Mason Dixon Line Hankenstein is sitting there so lonesome he could cry He's had it with the life he leads singing all them tunes Now he's out there somewhere honky tonkin howlin at the moon CHORUS HANKENSTEIN He's a honky-tonkin monster Hip Hop & Honky Tonk Richard Fagan/Joe Collins, Of Music, Inc (ASCAP/Life's A Pitch/Joe Collins Music (ASCAP)/Foray Music administered by EMI Music (SESAC) Hey hoe come on lets go Well I was born a country boy Raised on Haggard and Strait She was born in da hood She sure looks good And she thinks rap is great So we meet in the middle Beat box and a fiddle Together were bad to the bone Now I'm clogging to Snoop Doggy Dogg And she's break dancing to Jones Its hip hop and honky tonk We can bust a move to a funky groove Or a hardcore country song Come on let's throw down Gonna have a hoedown Party all night long Its hip hop and honky tonk From outlaw country to gangsta rap Together we's riding home From Soul Train to Shania Twain Wes got it going on Yippie yi yo look at her go Mama really knocks me out From Jo Dee Messina to funky cold medina That's what its all about It's hip hop and honky tonk We can bust a move to a funky groove Or a hardcore country song Come on lets throw down Gonna have a hoedown Party all night long Its hip hop and honky tonk Oh we loves the man attraction any ole dance will do We like all the Jacksons Janet, Michael, Tito, Stonewall, Jessie, Reggie, Alan too Its hip hop and honky tonk We can bust a move to a funky groove Or a hardcore country song Come on lets throw down Gonna have a hoe down Party all night long Its hip hop and honky tonk Its hip hop and honky tonk Yeah I wanna send out a holler out To my home boys down there at the Scully Mully clean up shop Ya know nails, and crumbling, and woo bow hair Ya know I love you Work it Cledus Psychic To the Stars Cledus T. Judd/Freddy Weller/Bruce Burch, Cledus Crap Anthems/La-Po Music, Inc (SESAC)/Young World Music, Inc. (BMI)/Care Taker/Foray Music administered by EMI Music (SESAC) I was starin a hole through CMT Watchin everybody else who'd been waitin for me I thought by now I'd been a household name After all I had If Shania was mine And though Bigger Than the Beatles got played all the time Them funny videos why there's my claim to fame Now all of a sudden there's a slew of comedians Foxworthy…Bill Engvall and back comes Ray Stevens Folks right there's some real competition I started getting a little bit paranoid Heck if this keeps up I'll be unemployed Then out of the blue it came to me in a vision CHORUS Now I'm the psychic to the stars They call me up from wherever they are I'm always over-booked Lord my phone rings off the hook I'm the psychic to the stars Ha ha I told Tim and Faith they ought to tie the knot Why you think Deana Carter's so hot Boy I'd shave my legs for a sip of that Strawberry Wine When Mindy McCready's on my caller ID I'd take her call immediately Ten Thousand Angels couldn't get me off of that line Garth Brooks called dang near a hundred times But I was too busy consultin' Leann Rimes Trying to predict the number of albums she sold…last night I had Brooks & Dunn on a conference call They said Cledus would you look into your crystal ball I said I'd love to boys but I got Tanya Tucker On hold Gotta go… CHORUS Now I got a new career and I charge a hefty fee Why it worked for Dionne Warwick now it works for Cledus T. Call me Now I'm the psychic to the stars They call me up from wherever they are I've got a clair-a-voyant sense For a feller that's so dense I'm the psychic to the stars Just call the psychic to the stars Cledus Don't Stop Eatin' For Nuthin' Parody of Mama DOn't Get Dressed Up For Nothing by Brooks & Dunn (Kix Brooks/Don Cook/Ronnie Dunn, Sony/ATV Tunes L.L.C. dba Cross Keys Publishing/Showbilly Music New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd (I stopped here due to the album details stopped here...but I knew Cledus would have been listed in there...so I just left him) She said a "hey plow boy done ate half a cow And I still can hear your big old belly growl" So I steamed up a fresh heap of broccoli for you You've got calories to burn and some pounds to lose Well you can bring that broccoli with squirrel and dumplings Cause Cledus don't stop eatin' for nuthin' She said "I've cooked non-stop in this house for weeks Time to get your big butt up on somewhere's else to eat" So I've been down to Shoney's four times today I hit the Sizzler and the Quincy's they were on the way I 'bout blowed out my colon from buffet jumpin Cause Cledus don't stop a-eatin' for nuthin' If you like love handles and big old buns I've pounds of passion and tons of fun I look like Flabio in my king-cab truck To look like Brooks and Dunn I need a tummy tuck YUUUUUCK We got to find a little place where I can eat some more Before I start rollin' on this hardwood floor Heck down to Hooters break out the wings Then make a run down to the border I'm an eatin' machine Fire up the stove and keep the fat clams comin Cause Cledus don't stop eatin for nuthin' If it's all you can eat then you'll see me runnin Cause Cledus don't stop eatin for nuthin' Tell Richard Simmons he can kiss my (bump-kin ???) Cause Cledus don't stop eatin for nuthin' Make my pies pumpkin And my donuts Dunkin Cause Cledus don't stop… |