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She'd been playing them low life honky tonks for 30 years in Texas She's sick and tired of all them Reba songs they keep requestin' She's about to lose her voice Her hair's fallin' out And ain't nobody clappin' So she thinks she'll shave her head Buy a boom box And just turn to rappin' She can't keep up with them country heifers Gonna learn to shake her booty just like Salt N' Peppa She done gone funky A brand new tattoo She done gone funky A big nose ring too She done gone funky Her favorite rap song's Shoot She done gone funky Ha! You go girl Well, he was never too good at sucking up to all them country disc jockeys It seems like ever dad blamed weekend some new hat act bumps him off the Opry He had to sell his bus, his house his cows, ain't had a hit since the 60s Well, he's fed up with hearing about Travis, Garth, Tim McGraw, Colin Ray, Billy Ray Cyrus, John Mike Montgomery And Joe Diffie He saw Johnny Cash on Mtv Bought a new toupee Said that's the place for me He done gone funky To heck with his roots He done gone funky Burned his cowboy boots He done gone funky Wearing platform shoes He done gone funky Aw sookie Well he moved up to Nashville Had big dreams of being a song writer Ha, ha 'bout the only thing he's written down lately Are some orders down at Brown's Diner If everyone's gone country like Alan Jackson sings Gonna move to Los Angeles and buy him drum machine He done gone funky Hanging out with ol' Snoop Doggy Dogg Sippin' on gin and juice He done gone funky Duets with 2 Live Crew He done gone funky I feel good He done gone funky He done gone funky He done gone funky FO-FO-FO-FO Funky He done gone funky She done gone funky TOP Indian In-Laws Parody of Indian Outlaw by Tim McGraw (Laudermilk/Barnes/Simmons) Edge O'Woods Music Corp. (ASCAP) Acuff-Rose MusicGreat Cumberland Music (BMI New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd (No Relation) Bruce Burch & Judy Jackson BLT Publishing (BMI) Bruce Burch Music (SESAC) Judy Jackson Publishing Designee They're my Indian in-laws Came to visit me and my squaw Been here for a month y'all I'm 'bout to lose my mind I'm sick and tired of her paw-paw Eatin' all of my bear claws While he's watchin' ol Hee-Haw And drinkin all my wine I'm gonna scalp her maw-maw Making long distance phone calls To her friends in Arkansas Talkin' on my dime They're my Indian in-laws They're drivin' me up the dang wall Using all of my dental floss And leaving the room smelling bad (Shoo-ee) They moved into my wigwam God Almighty they're big bums Order filet mignons And stick me with the tab They're hanging 'round my teepee Can't wear my buffalo briefs Ain't had me no whoopee since week for last They're my Indian in-laws Hooked on Ex-Lax and Geritol Have to run 'em to the shopping mall 4 times a day (Every single day, seven days a week My nerves are about shot They are worryin' me to death) Sittin' there clipping toenails Chain-smoking them Pell Mells Wish they'd get them a motel But they're too cheap to pay Pretty soon if they don't leave I'll take a pipe and pop his knee Like Tanya did Nancy They're skating on thin ice I'll take my bow and arrow Pretend I'm shootin' at a sparrow I might miss and uh-oh, Hit her maw-maw's behind They're my Indian in-laws Might be kin to Tim McGraw But they kin to me? Naw Might have to leave my wife 'Cause my Indian in-laws Came to visit me and my squaw I'm about to lose my mind Oh, one little, two little, three little Indians Four little, five little, six little Indians Seven little, eight little, nine little Indians Ten little Indian in-laws Oh no! Here comes her brother and her other brother Then there's her sister that brought her aunt Essie with her She's got two kids and they brought two friends The whole tribes a-comin' Couldn't they have just made a reservation TOP Katie Bar the Door Cledus T. Judd (No Relation), Bruce Burch, Freddy Weller, BLT Publishing (BMI), Bruce Burch Music (SESAC), Young World Publishing (BMI) I could tell the way she held me Out on that sawdust floor That later on that evening It be Katie bar the door No wedding band was a showin But I wasn't looking too hard The next thing I knew we pulled up to the Blue Moon trailer park She poured us a double Then she pulled the shades on down And I was in hog heaven Till I started lookin around I saw cigars in the ashtray Then I saw an old twelve gauge Then I heard his truck come a driving up And I can see myself blown away OH Katie bar the door Is that your husband coming home (I think he's here) I took it for granted You were living here alone (What am I going to do???) I don't think he'd believe me no matter what I said Katie bar the door hide me underneath the bed Cause he came in about half drunk And thank God he didn't see My red underwear on the rabbit ears Of that black and white TV I's under the bed all doubled up And my kidneys about to bust The dust fell off that box springs As those two fell into lust Huh huh hoo hoo hoo hoo I laid real still the morning came and he went on off to work And she leaned over that Posturepedic With that I still want you flirt A sane man would have went on home But that's something I ain't never been Somehow the day just slipped away Katie there he is again OH NO Oh Katie bar the door Is that your husband coming home (I'm in a mess) I took it for granted You were living here alone (He's got a gun) I don't think he'd believe me no matter what I said (It's LOADED) Katie bar the door hide me underneath the bed Katie Katie Katie Baby what we gonna do I got my pants on backwards and I'm looking for my boots You can tell him I'm your brother tell him I'm a bookie Or that I'm a den scout mother selling Girl Scout cookies Baby find me a wig high heel shoes Say I'm ugly aunt Eunice from Baton Rouge Honey honey honey Finally what a man will try When he's underneath his death bed fearing for his life Oh Katie bar the door Is that your husband coming home (Where's my keys) I took it for granted You were living here alone (Oh they're in my britches) I don't think he'd believe me no matter what I said (Where's my britches) Katie bar the door hide me underneath the bed Katie Katie Katie Oh my gosh see ya… TOP Swingin' John Anderson (J. Anderson/L. Delmore) Polygram Imternational Publishing, Inc.(ASCAP) Let's dance!!! UH... (Yes ma'am... Is Charlotte Johnson at home by chance? Uh yea ma'am we're supposed to have a date tonight. Where we going? I'll tell you where we're going... Swinging) There's a little girl, living in my neighborhood Her name is Charlotte Johnson mmm mmm lookin good I had to go and see her, so I called her on the phone Walked over to her house, and this was goin' on Her brother was on the sofa, eatin' chocolate pie Her momma was in the kitchen cuttin' chicken up to fry Her daddy was in the back yard rollin up a garden hose And I was on the porch with Charlotte feelin' love down to my toes Chorus: And we were swingin' (swinging) Yeah we were swingin' (swinging) Little Charlotte she's as pretty as the angels when they sing I can't believe it started on the front porch in a swing Just swingin' (swingin) Just swingin' (swingin) Now Charlotte she's a darlin she's the apple of my eye When I'm on the swing with her it makes me oh so high Now Charlotte is my lover and she has been since the spring I can't believe it started on her front porch in the swing Chorus Repeat Chorus Here we go... Me and Charlotte sittin on the porch swing Eating moon pies sipping on the Real Thing Daddy comes out with a 12 gauge shotgun Had a flashback from his days in Viet Nam Honey please you're my daughter I guess she forgot all the things I taught her Shot gun blast my ears ringing on the front porch... UH Chorus That's what we were doing Swinging There's your money in the bank...two step to that There's a little girl, living in my neighborhood Her name is Charlotte Johnson mmm mmm lookin good Now Charlotte is my lover and she has been since the spring I can't believe it started on her front porch in a swing Here we go... Me and Charlotte sittin on the porch swing Eating moon pies sipping on the Real Thing Daddy comes out with a 12 gauge shotgun Had a flashback from his days in Viet Nam Honey please you're my daughter I guess she forgot all the things I taught her Shot gun blast my ears ringing on the front porch... UH CHORUS That's what we were doing Swinging There's your money in the bank...two step to that Don't touch that knob there might be some JAM ON IT... Too much jam on it Too much jam on it Too much jam on it TOP Refried Beans Parody of Refried Dreams by Tim McGraw (J. Foster/M. Peterson) Zomba Enterprises/Millhouse Publishing Company (ASCAP/BMI) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd (No Relation), Bruce Burch & Daniel Sarenana, BLT Publishing (BMI). Daniel Sarenana Publishing Designee Last Friday evenin' I went to dry heavin' Bent over double in pain From out of my mouth And right on a new Lexus A hell of a load I sure swang On my knees I was throwin' The owner was goin' Inside to pay for his gasoline I'm in a mess at the Texaco Barfin' up refried beans CHORUS I I'm down at the Texaco Sick as a dog My stomach's churnin' My tail end is raw I swear it's the last time I'll eat another taco supreme I'm in a mess at the Texaco Barfin' up refried beans No this picture ain't purdy I ate number 30 And drank too much Mexican beer Four shots of tequila Don't mix with fajitas I'm prayin' a bathroom is near I OD'd on tamales and green guacamole Lord I hope that the toilet is clean I'm in a mess barfin' up refried beans CHORUS II I'm down at the Texaco Smell like a hog Knee deep in poo poo The commode was clogged Who used it the last time Ooo boy did it stink (Shoo-ee) At the Texaco because of those refried beans I'm down at the Texaco Where's Tim McGraw??? While I'm sittin here peelin' the paint off the walls He's probably sippin fine wine and dining on fancy cuisine While I'm here at the Texaco from eatin' them refried beans (Uuuuugh) A mess at the Texaco from eatin them refried beans I said I'd be out in a minute (there) TOP Motel Californie (In the works) Parody Of Motel california by The Eagles (D. Henley/G. Frey/D.Felder) Fingers Music/Red Cloud Music Co./ Cass County Music Co. (ASCAP) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd (No Relation) & Daniel Sarenana, BLT Publishing (BMI). Daniel Sarenana Publishing Designee TOP Please Take the Girl Parody of Don't Take the Girl by Tim McGraw (L.Johnson/C.Martin), Eric Zanetis Publishing Co. (BMI). New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd (No Relation) & Bruce Burch, BLT Publishing (BMI) & Bruce Burch Music (SESAC) Arnie's daddy said he'd take him fishing if he'd just dig the bait He said "Get lost Dad I'm watching mud wrasslin, go jump in a lake Why don't you take that neighbor girl The one who favors our dog His dad said "Son she might sink the boat She weighs more than our hog" and Arnie said: She's got a tackle box that you'd kill for A ZEPCO rod and reel She won the junior Bass Masters tourney And I just ate oatmeal And I'm afraid I might hurl Daddy please, please take the girl I'd rather take a canin' than to go fishin' Same whiny boy same large girl 11 years with no date They finally married yeah and they both realized They'd get a big tax break One night at the laundry-mat washin' underwear A stranger pulled a water gun Arnie saw another parent whimper: Ain't got no money in my wallet She's got the credit cards But they're all run up over the limit Won't get you very far And though her hair's up in curls And she looks like Milton Berle She ain't wearin' fake pearls Mister please PLEASE PLEASE Please take the girl Well she ain't bad When she gets a couple coats of that cold cream on her And a good sack over her head A toothless Arnie a whale of a woman 40 years down the tubes One day they found him with a shotgun Buck naked on the roof (demented laugh whoa-a) Doctor said he's lost his mind We'll have to take him away NOOOOOOOO As they strapped that straitjacket on him Someone heard him say he babbled out loud: If you lived with her long as I have You'd be slap crazy too She's the one whose really a psycho More than a few screws loose She's nutty as a squirrel Doctor please PLEASE take the girl Arnie's daddy said he'd take him fishin if he'd just dig the bait Is it Tim McGraw or John Anderson I'm trying to imitate Sorry Tim TOP We Own the World Parody of We Are the World by USA For Africa (M. Jackson/L. Ritchie) Brockman Music (ASCAP) Warner Timberlake Music Corp. (BMI) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd (No Relation), Bruce Burch, & Daniel Sarenana, BLT Publishing (BMI) Bruce Burch Music (SESAC) Daniel Sarenana Publishing Designee *=CTJ as Michael Jackson +="Lisa Marie" (blank)=both **="Michael" spoken ++="Lisa Marie" talking ~=Final announcer *There comes a time when inquiring minds must know Just why we have come together as one There are rumors flying Even LaToya's psychic line Could not predict that you would marry me **Take it Lisa Marie +You couldn't go on pretending day by day That you were really the King You're more feminine than me From plastic surgery And Liz was old and overweight so you chose me We own the world we got gazillions *You wear the pants I'll wear the glove and LOVE the children +I'll teach you scientology Move to Memphis Tennessee *I swear we're gonna have more clout than Bill and Hillary *Oh Priscilla was mad She said your dad Was weird enough +But even Elvis didn't try to buy the elephant man *He gave away big Cadillacks Ate cheeseburgers by the stacks +And left me a bloody fortune no you get half We own the world that's why we're grinning And if you hear a whirling sound it's Elvis spinning +Ah he's turning over in his grave His face has turned blue suede *And if he ain't really dead this'll kill him now +We haven't kissed so far we've just held hands The only ride you've given me was at Disneyland *Waa waa wellllllllll there's people suing Oh they're trying to make me pay I've had to hire more lawyers than OJ We own the world Neverland and Graceland Bubbles the Chimp can have the jungle room to play in +I'll learn to do the moonwalk too *And if my nose should come unglues Or my hair should catch on fire you'll come to my rescue We own the world +He loves me tender Even though I'm still not sure about his gender *I guess that I'm a cross between Janet and Jermaine +And I'm a hunka hunka burnin' love straight from the King ooo **Lisa Marie when do you think we can uh constipate our marriage ++Well as soon as ya stop grabbing yourself honey **Ha ha ha oh Lisa Marie you're such a Thriller ++Aw thank you Thank you very much ~Ladies and gentlemen Lisa Marie and Michael have just BOUGHT the building TOP Shade Tree Mechanic (In the works) Steve Clark, Larry Cordle, Larry Schell; Victoria Kay Music (ASCAP), Wandachord Music (BMI), Pier 5 Inc. (BMI) TOP Stinkin' Problem Parody Of Stinkin' Problem by David Ball (Ball/Shamblin/Ziff). Almo Music Corp./Hayes Street Music/EMI-April Music (ASCAP). Low Country Music/New Court Music (BMI). New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd (No Relation), BLT Publishing (BMI) Yes I admit I've got a stinkin problem Pheeeew Ban Roll On just won't do I soaked in Clorox bleach Lysol and Pine Sol too Yes I admit I've got a stinkin problem I filled the tub right to the top I'll start with my Brillo pad But I don't know when to stop I wake up and right away A foul odor hits my nose What's my sweat glands start to pour I'll stink from my head down to my toes Yes I admit I've got a stinkin problem Aqua Velva can't cut through Calgon won't take me away Mr Bubbles just says "pew" Yes I admit I've got a stinkin problem Put Dr Scholl's in my flip flops Then I'll scrub my private parts But I don't know when to stop I've been called some filthy names Why you no good little… And a lot of dirty words Son of a… I'm in a funk but just the same I refuse to be deterred Deterred??? Yes I admit I've got a stinkin problem Even lye soap won't remove Ivory Liquid and Irish Spring I even tried my dog's shampoo (woof) Yes I admit I've got a stinkin problem Smell like a hog knee deep in slop I wore out my loofah pad Maybe I should try a mop David Ball might have had him a hit But Cledus T.'s done stunk it up TOP |