 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
If Shania was mine Wouldn't be proud of me Couldn't hardly blame her Cuz I'm so derned ugly But on our first date We could have a good time If I got her on the moonshine If Shania was mine Say it fit just right Though my polyester suit was just a little too tight And there's no way I'd have a bad hair day Cuz I'd buy a new toupee' Oh, I'd love to seduce her But she married her producer Now all I do is pray, pray, pray! She'll get a deevorce someday If Shania was mine I'd probably lose my mind If she only squeezed me, teased me Pleased me one good time And if she only knew All the things I'd do I'd be the lawn mowin, crop growin Tater peelin, house cleanin kind If Shania was mine Ha huh If Shania was mine She'd have to agree Can't no one cook road kill better than me Add a dozen mountain oysters and some old fatback She'd say "Mmm, I like it like that" cha... Now all I do is wonder Whose bed have her boots been under I wish she'd hadda been mine Now I whine, whine! That girl is so doggone fine If Shania was mine I think I'd go slap blind Starin' at her yummy little tummy And her booty shakin' round behind And if she only knew All the things I'd do I'd be the lawn mowin' crop growin' Tater peelin' house cleanin' kind If Shania, if Shania, if Shania, If Shania, if Shania (ACK HACK) Now was that Mutt Lange or Deewight Yokel When she shimmies and shakes It's more than I can take Oh, what she does to me in them videos Wife's gonna leave me if I don't explain What I see in Shania Twain I'd love to see her in a magazine Centerfold if you know what I mean Oh me-a oh my-a I wish that Shania Would buy me a house in South Carolina Two, four, six, eight, nine Oh I wish that Shania was mine! he he he huh huh Want to be a gal of mine... She's Got a Butt (Bigger Than the Beatles) Parody of Bigger Than the Beatles by Joe Diffie (J. Anderson/S Dukes), Chicksaw Roan Music (ASCAP)/Emdar Music (ASCAP)/Texas Wedge Music (ASCAP)/Timbuck One Music ASCAP). New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd and Chris Clark, La-Po Music (BMI)/Chris Clark Publishing Designee. She cooks with lard Loves hot food bars A quart of sweet tea And fried pork skins Can't get enough Eat still she's stuffed Goes to the bathroom And then she comes back again She thinks she looks just like Madonna When she runs her greasy fingers through her bleached blonde hair Most times she'll place another order And lordy have mercy on that little bitty chair She's got a butt bigger than the Beatles Eating me outta house and home Her booty size well it outta be illegal She has a had time sitting on the throne Hamburgers, hotdogs Cheese fries and coleslaw A dozen bear claws Yum yum yum Loves sausage links Hates diet drinks Takes up both seats in a two-seater car Her doctor said lay off the bread But he didn't say nothing bout a Snickers bar She drinks sweet milk by the gallon And she'd never eat a salad or a Lean Cuisine And she'll lay Spread out on the hammock After she's done her damage at the Dairy Queen She's got a butt bigger than the Beatles Folks make fun cause she's overgrown Her rumps shaped like a Volkswagen Beetle She gives new meaning to the words big boned Bagels and cream cheese Vaniller ice cream A tub of whip cream Yum yum yum No you won't find her name on the weight loss of fame Down at Jenny Craig's When she cleans em out at the Waffle House They'll bring in more ham and eggs Ewwwwwwww She's got a butt bigger than the Beatles Her favorite food is chocolate Ding Dongs It's wide enough to play line backer for the Eagles Dion Sanders better leave her alone Tried chicken that steak Or a fat free milk shake Enough for god's sake Stop the insanity Weight Watchers yeah Weight Watchers yeah Yeah I watched her weight I watched it go from 117 and a quarter when I married her To 317 and a half two and a half years latter Moooooooo But I still love ya honey The Change Parody of For A Change by Neal McCoy (S. Seskin/S. Sherrill). Love This Town Music (ASCAP)/All Over Town Music/Tree Publishing Co.,Inc./New Wolf Music (BMI) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd and Chris Clark La-Po Music(BMI) Chris Clark Publishing Designee. It Seems like all my life I've wanted to be a wife So I went under the knife And it really changed my life Ever since that Oprah show I've been wantin' me a change Panty hose a time or two ...What? Garter belts and high heel shoes ...No you di'int Wore a big beehive hairdo ...Stop! So they kicked me out of school ...Don't go there! Everybody knew I was acting pretty strange Since the change They hardly recognize me Even got a brand new name I swear! I feel a little lighter Since I went from Jim to Jane It takes a while to get used to this 'Cause right now I'm still in pain I was an unhappy man Before the change Rock my world little country boy, those Wrangler butts drive me nuts, uh! Girlfriend I must confess ...Go ahead Last night I was in a mess ...What happened? My date, he was impressed ...Huh-uh Untill I got undressed ...Huuuuh When he saw my hairy chest ...Uh-hoo-hoo-hoo He said, "You better explain." ...Don't you hate it when that happens? Oh what's a girl to do? ...Tell me Hit him with my high heel shoes ...No way Once he came to, he knew This woman's one bad dude ...You are? But I'm just the thing for you ...That's right If you're looking for a change ...He-he Stop! Since the change They hardly recognize me Girl, I even got a brand new name I swear! I feel a little lighter Since I went from Jim to Jane It takes a while to get used to this 'Cause right now I'm still in pain I was an unhappy man Talkin' 'bout an unhappy man Now I'm a happy wo-man Since the change No you di'int. Stop it! What? Y-You go girl! Can't touch this! (I'm going to put these next two together to save a little space) Skoal: The Grundy County Spitting Incident Stoled: The Copyright Infringement Incident Parody of Sold: The Grundy County Auction by John Michael Montgomery (R. Fagan/R.Royer), Of Music (ASCAP)/RobbRoy West Music (BMI) New Lyrics (Skoal) by Cledus T. Judd and Chris Clark La-Po Music/Chris Clark Publishing Designee. New Lyrics (Stoled) by Cledus T. Judd, Bruce Burch, Dan Saranana, Rich Fagen, La-Po Music (BMI)/Bruce Burch Music (SESAC), Of Music (ASCAP)/Dan Saranana Publishing Designee Sadie, pull this car over. Let me get me a can of Skoal. Well, we went down to the Grundy County auction The sign said no tobaccer where we sat My wife told me that I should spit with caution Or else we'll all wind up in a big ol' spat And I said hush your mouth nobody's gonna mind If I pack my lip and ignore the sign 'Cause a little dip of Skoal never hurt no one at all Then, I've never seen anyone get so mad From a little bit of spit on his John Deere hat But I spit on him once, spit on him twice Spit Skoal on the feller in the second row Well he turned around and nearly broke my nose I got a big fat lip, two black eyes Shoulda just went and dipped outside Well, it musta been about eight or nine more minutes Until I pulled that can of Skoal back out And I knew when I put my fingers in it That I'd just spit it out amongst the crowd ...Look out! And you know I really don't care if anybody minds A pinch 'tween your cheek and gum is not a crime So I'll do my spittin' and to heck with the rest of y'all Well I've never saw people gettin' so dang mad Worst County auction they've ever had 'Cause I spit on 'em once, spit on 'em twice Spit Skoal on the people, well I must confess I even got a little on a lady's white dress But in the end they got me back you see They all took a dip and spit on me Well, they pinned me down on the auction block And took my Skoal away And the town still hates to talk about The mess that was made that day When I said hush your mouth, nobody's gonna mind If I pack my lip and ignore the sign 'Cause a little dip of Skoal never hurt no one at all Well, I've never saw people gettin' so derned mad The worst County auction they've ever had 'Cause I spit on 'em once, spit on 'em twice Spit Skoal on the people, well I must confess I even got a little on a lady's white dress Shoulda swallowed my dip, swallowed my pride Shoulda just went and spit outsiiiiiiide. Whew! Boy, that was horrible! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well I went down to a Music City function Where I just heard a song that I had to howl out My lawyers told my to proceed with caution Or I'd make a whole lot of songwriters mad Uh-huh And I said Hey John Michael Montgomery won't mind If I take a song and make it mine all mine Like I did so many times with old Tim McGraw's Yeah I never heard anything sound so fine Mind if I borrow one or two of your lines Well I stole it once stole it twice I STOLE it from a writer on Music Row Well he just moved to town and he didn't know About ASCAP, SESAC, or BMI So he might as well kiss his song goodbye I had my number two pencil going about a mile a minute Till I had his ideas all written down And I knew I really went and did it When the police came and hauled my butt downtown And I said Hey John Michael Montgomery won't mind If I steal a song and make it mine all mine Like I did so many times with Tim McGraw's Yeah I never heard anything sound so fine Mind if I borrow one or two of your lines Well I stole it once stole it twice I STOLE that song and I must confess When I went to court I plead no contest Got a big fat lip and two black eyes Never should have messed with his copyright Yeah I told the judge I had writers block but he hauled my butt away And now it hurts too much to laugh about the song I stole that day When I said Hey John Michael Montgomery won't mind If I steal a song and make it mine all mine Like I did so many times with Tim McGraw Yeah I never heard anything sound so fine Mind if I borrow one or two of your lines So I stole it once stole it twice I STOLE it from a writer on Music Row Well he just moved to town and he didn't know About ASCAP, SESAC, or BMI So he might as well kiss his song goodbye (GASP) EYE STOLE WHEE!!!! TOP Jackson (Alan That Is) Parody of Jackson by Johnny Cash (G. Rogers/E. Weeler), Bexhill Music Corp. (ASCAP)/Quarter Music Inc. (ASCAP) New lyrics by Cledus T. judd and Chris Clark, La-Po Music (BMI)/Music Genesis (ASCAP) Well, I start runnin' a fever Every time he opens his mouth She's been gawkin' at Jackson Ever since his first song came out Oh, she loves Alan Jackson And his pretty blonde hair Oh, I love Alan Jackson I ain't got a prayer Well, he tried dressin' like Jackson Belt buckles, boots, and a hat She said, "Sorry hon, that won't help you none Because you're just too dang fat." Oh, I hate Alan Jackson She sleeps with a piece of his coat Oh, I love Alan Jackson 'Cause of them songs he wrote Well, I went backstage at his concert I got on his bus somehow That big talkin' man and his little five piece band Just taught her what I didn't know how Gosh, I hate Alan Jackson Now I'm his openin' act Oh, I love Alan Jackson She's never comin' back ...She loves you man! Oh, I start runnin' a fever Every time he opens his mouth She's been gawkin' at Jackson Ever since his first song came out Oh, she loves Alan Jackson Makes me want to cuss (Ha!) Oh, he hates Alan Jackson Think I'll blow up his bus Yeah, Someday I'll Rock His Jukebox! No You're not! Ha! Might hit him with a Tall, Tall, Tree! Well, he just might hit you back! Well, I tell you what! I'll show him The Real World! He'll think Real World when they find him way down yonder in the bottom of the Chattahoochie! Oh yeah! He just might run ya over with his Mercury! I tell ya what, tell him to meet me somewhere! Hey Hoss, meet him at Midnight In Montgomery! Wanted, my life back! Who Says You Can't Have It All? Alan Jackson. You Have No Right To Remain Violent Parody to You Have The Right To Remain Silent by Perfect Stranger (Cal Sweat/Brando Sweat), Co-Heart Music (BMI) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd and Chris Clark, La-Po Music (BMI)/Chris Clark Publishing Designee Well, I asked you to dance Now my nose is broken Must've said somethin' wrong Gosh, I was just jokin' But it's hard not to cry With a gussied up eye My face sprayed with mace If ya didn't wanna dance You could've just said so And if I'd only ducked fast Then I wouldn't have bled so Do you think there's a chance You could call an ambulance? Oh God, I'm in pain You have no right to remain violent That kick to my crotch Uh, that was very uncalled for You continued to beat and beat me 'Till I was black and blue I've been wantin' you But not any longer 'Cause it's brutally clear That you're so much stronger I'm madder than fire My jaws are both wired One hell of a date I didn't know my bladder had failed me Until I looked down at my pants I think I'm in desperate need of hospitalization But I ain't got no danged insurance You have no right to remain violent That kick to my crotch Uh, that was very uncalled for You continued to beat and beat me 'Till I was black and blue I've been wantin' you But not any longer 'Cause it's brutally clear That you're so much stronger 'Cause I'm madder than fire My jaws is both wired That's one hell of a date I bought a camcorder Got a restrainin' order Now lay you're hands on me I guess that's what you get when you ask a perfect stranger to dance. Cadirac Style Parody of Cadillac Style by Sammy Kershaw (M. Peterson), Ray Stevens Music (BMI). New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd, Billy Lawson, and Mike Curtis, La-Po Music (BMI)/Sony ATV/Cross Keys Music (ASCAP)/Michael Everett Curtis Publishing (ASCAP) Well she won't wear her contacts, she won't wear glasses So she can't see me while I'm makin' passes And every time she tries to kiss me she misses by a mile Because my little baby loves me cadirac style I remember the first night we started datin' Both of her pupils were dilatin' And in the back of my Lincoln we got a little wild Oh my little baby loves me cadirac style Well, she don't care if the lights are on or off As long as I watch so we don't get caught 'Cuz what we're doin', we could be fined And the law don't care true love is blind Well, she wrecked my new Honda in Panima City Slung her through the windshield, now she ain't so purdy And though she's missin' all her teeth, she's still got a cute smile Oh my lttle baby loves me cadirac style Well, she don't care if the lights are on or off As long as I watch so we don't get caught 'Cause what we're doin', we could be fined And the law don't care if true love is blind Well, she says one day she's gonna get me to the altar Swears up and down I look like Clay Walker! And when I try to tell her different she gets a little riled Oh my little baby loves me cadirac style Because my little baby loves me cadirac style Oh no my little baby loves me cadirac style She thinks I look like David Hasselhoff. "There's you're glasses on." OOPS She just stepped on 'em. Quit Teasin' Me Ed Cledus T. Judd/Vern Dant, La-Po Music (BMI)/Music Genesis(ASCAP) Hey Cledus, Whad'ya get in the mail? He-he-he, got a letter from Ed. What's it say? I don't know. D'you get one? Well, open it up! He-hahahahahahaha! ...Open it. I quit my job about a year ago, I'm on a permanent vacation All I gotta do now is sit back and wait'll my notification You see, old Ed, he's a friend of mine, and he writes me once a week Sends me my very own winnin' numbers I'm practically on easy street Well, I don't know, I reckon Ed just likes me a little better'n everybody else I'm sure he's been tryin' to reach me, But uh, I've been out on tour with Garth Brooks. He-hehehehe Now, you might think pricin' a Mercedes might be a jumpin' the gun But hey, I got a letter from Ed today that said I may've already won! Quit teasin me Ed ...Quit teasin me Ed My kids need to be fed ...My kids need to be fed I believed what you said ...I believed what you said Quit teasin' me Ed You promised me wealth ...You promised me wealth And a new Dodge Stealth ...And a new Dodge Stealth I'll check the mailbox 'til I'm dead ...I'll check the mailbox 'til I'm dead Quit teasin' me Ed They say the odds are again' me But I got my own little scheme Instead of just one or two, I order All the magazines! I get Glamour, Cosmo, Redbook, Seventeen, Good Housekeepin', and Popular Mechanics I even got bored one time and ordered The Joy Of Ceramics! Now Ed, I can't sing or dance, and I'll never be on Star Search But if you don't hurry up 'n send my check, I'm gonna start thinkin' you a jerk Well, not really Ed, doggonnit it's been such a long time My car's been repo'd, my house note's four month's behind Ed, I don't mean to complain, and I know you're a busy man But, could you at least send me one of them early entry prizes I'm you're biggest fan, I swear! Quit teasin' me Ed ...Quit teasin' me Ed My kids need to be fed ...My kids need to be fed I believed what you said ...I believed what you said Quit teasin' me Ed You promised me wealth ...You promised me wealth And a new Dodge Stealth ...And a new Dodge Stealth I'll check the mailbox 'til I'm dead ...I'll check the mailbox 'til I'm dead Quit teasin' me Ed Cledus T., you may have already won! I'm Not In Here For Love (Just Yer Beer) Parody of I'm Not In Here For Love by Shania Twain (S. Twain/R. Lange) Loon Echo Music (BMI)/Zomba Enterprises (ASCAP). New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd and Chris Clark, La-Po Music (BMI)/Chris Clark Publishing Designee AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAooooo (sound of falling beer cans) A-B-C-D Are you gonna drink the rest of that beer Sorry I fell down But it's my thirteenth round WHOO Been drinkin' kamikaze shooters And Royal Crown And that Boone's Farm wine Oh it gets me every time Walk me towards the payphone I gotta call her at home I begged 'em pretty please For a Bicardi Breeze (Just one) They just said "you're cut off" And took away my car keys You've done fell off the bar Can't have you driving your car With all the cops around this town You wouldn't get too far Uh...Is it too much to ask Can you fill up my glass? No I'm not in here for love I may start to swilling To drink up what you've got No I don't care if you're his wife Cause I'm not in here for love So I'm beggin' you dear Don't have me thrown out of here I'm not in here for love just a beer... Babe I can rock your world That is if I don't hurl Show you a thing or two For a sympathy brew Don't make a grown man whine I'm in a bit of a bind Oh the backwash of your Miller Light Oh it tastes so fine You see I don't care if you think I'm weird No I'm not in here for love Lady I may start to swilling To drink up all you got I don't care if you're his wife Cause I'm not looking for love You see I skipped AA tonight No I'm not looking for love Just a beer Oh...Ooh Oh God...I gotta hurry Aaah...where's the door...oh... (door slam) Cledus Went Down To Florida Parody of The Devil Went Down To Georgia by Charlie Daniels Band (J. Crain/C. Daniels/W.Hayward/J. Marshall) Cabin Fever Music (BMI). New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd and Chris Clark, La-Po Music (BMI)/Chris Clark Publishing Designee. Cledus went down to Florida, he was lookin' for a car to steal He was in a bind, ten payments behind, so the bank repo'd his wheels When he came across this old man down at Jalopy's Used Car Lot Then Cledus jumped up on the top of one and said, "Feller, let me tell ya what Now I'm not gon' be proud of the deed I'm 'bout to do Well, no time to spare, I gotta be somewhere, so I'm gonna steal a car from you Now I've seen you're selection here, and I admit the pickins are few I know the Pinto's gold, but consider it stoled, 'cause I got a show to do." The man said, "My name's Jalopy," as he gave an evil grin 'Cause he knew that car wouldn't get too far 'fore the motor blew up again Cledus you better hit the road if you're gonna be a star The show's way up in Georgia, and you're op'nin up for Garth You're future's ridin' on this shiny Pinto painted gold And if you're late it's Jeff Foxworthy's show Oh gosh! A pinto my foot. It drives more like a horse and buggy. Dern! Cledus said, "No way in heck he's gonna op'm up that show." Then fire flew from the manifold as his right front tire blowed Then he pushed that wreck across the street, 'n man was Cledus tissed And he tried 'n tried to start 'er up, but it sounded somethin' like this .......Come on,...come on,...oh gosh! I'm in a mess. What am I gonna do? My one big shot for Garth Brooks. Aw-hehe-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo, oh dern it! When Cledus opened up the hood, he said, "I'll be a son of a gun!" And it didn't take long to figure out why the heck it wouldn't run Fire from the engine, lots of smoke He can already hear them redneck jokes Dadblamed oilpan layn' in the road Will he make the show? Heck no, heck no! Ho-ho. (whistle) Taxi, Greyhound, yeller cab, somebody! I'll show him a redneck. He'll have a red neck when I get my hands around his throat. I'm sick of it. Cledus shook his head as he watched Foxworthy's show And he heard him joke of how he passed a burnin' old Pinto Then later on, Garth told Cledus, "You'll never get the chance again." As he gave the check to that derned redneck who drove a Mercedes Benz He said, "Tough break big guy. Before I go, Would ya like to hear another redneck joke? Did you know I got my own t.v. show?" Well, does anybody watch it? No, heck no! Well, you might be a redneck if your momma and daddy catches ya out behind the barn whippin' Jeff Foxworthy for talkin' about rednecks all time. Ah shoot, I'm jes kiddin' Jeff. I wished I could be your best friend. Do you like me? I'd love to be on your t.v. show. Come here to me! 1-900-SHEILA Cledus T. Juss/Bruce Burch/Vern Dant, La-Po Music (BMI)/Bruce Burch Music (SESAC)/Music Genesis (ASCAP) He-he-he-he-he lets see here now...one...nine hunderd... Hm-hm-hm boy, I sure hope I get a purdy'n. Maybe she'll look like Terry Clark or Faith Hill or somebody. Hm, hope this ain't a party line. Here we go! Ha-ha. I's laid up 'na house watchin' C.M.T. Thought I'd have a late night snack So I headed to the kitchen on a commercial break When sup'm called me back It was the sexiest voice that I'd ever heard Comin' out of my television set Said, "Call now, you can hear me live And I'll tell ya 'bout my naughtiness." So without hesitation or further ado I grabbed a hold of my Visa And dialed the number flashin' on my screen 1-900-SHEILA You can tell it all to me I'm your phone fantasy 1-900-SHEILA ...Ohhhh man! Aaahh So I kicked back the recliner And on the second ring She whispered, "Hello. This is Sheila. Your credit card number, please." I said, "How much will it cost For this here trip to paradise?" She said, "You can't put a price on love" That's another $4.98 minute went bye After an hour of conversation She had me chewin' on the receiver Well, I worked up a sweat, I's out of breath Over 1-900-SHEILA You can tell it all to me I'm your phone fantasy 1-900-SHEILA Like a man possessed I dialed her number Mornin' noon and night And slowly but surely we fell in love As my phone bill shot out of sight After so many costly heart to hearts I just had to meet her face to face She wouldn't give me her home address So I had her number traced. He-he. Well, I thought it'd lead to a passion palace Some penthouse in the sky And, I must admit I was a little let down When I found her in a double wide ...A double wide??? That beauty that I envisioned That goddess that drove me crazy Answered the door with a cigar in her mouth And weighin' in at over two eighty. He-he-ho! They say love conquers all, well I reckon it's true Even when it's for a fee We said I do, and now were one Though she makes two of me And she talks to me no charge Every time she takes a breather And I'll never have to work As long as all you jerks dial 1-900-SHEILA You can tell it all to me I'm your phone fantasy 1-900-SHEILA ...I love you baby. Come here to me. Smooch-smooch Grandpa Got Runned Over By A John Deere Parody of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer by Elmo & Patsy (R. Brook), Kris Publishing Co./Elmo Publishing (SESAC) New lyrics by Cledus T. Judd and Bruce Burch, La-Po Music (BMI)/Bruce Burch Publishing (SESAC) CHORUS Grandpa got runned over by a John Deere Walking home from the Moose Lodge Christmas Eve. Now you can say there's no such thing as Santa, But after suing John Deere, I believe... He'd been a-guzzlin' old Jack Daniels And smokin' that wacky weed- He mixed it with his medication And run off with some bleach-blonde named Bernice. When we found him Christmas mornin' We thought he had a heart attack. But he had tar prints on his forehead And incriminatin' hickies on his neck. (ON HIS WHAT???) CHORUS But we're all ashamed of Grandpa. He took Grandma's death too well. Started watchin' porno movies And engaging in phone sex with Cousin Belle. It's a better Christmas without Grandpa Last year in church, he mooned the choir. At first, we thought it was Alzheimer's, But looking back, we realized he was wired. CHORUS Yeah, I filed myself a lawsuit And they awarded me two mil. You know Grandpa didn't leave me nuthin', But thanks to that old John Deere, he got killed. Funny, all my friends and neigh-bras Turned up on the grand jury, (laughs) I bribed 'em like Johnny Cochran Did when they set O.J. Simpson free. GUIL-TY!!! CHORUS (x2) TOP |