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Cledus' Christmas Ball Jim Beavers-Brett Beavers-Mike Waldron Skronk Bonk Tunes adnim by MCS Music America Inc. (BMI)/Sony/ATV Songs LLC a/b/a Tree Publishing Company (BMI)/Barefoot Tacks Publishing (ASCAP) SANTA HO HO HO HO HO hohohohohohoho And what do you want for Christmas little Sam? SAM I want the Billy Gilman action figure SANTA What about you Suzie? SUZIE I want the Grand Old Opry nativity scene SANTA And what about you Cledus? CLEDUS Well Santa It's not what I want. It's what I want to give... It's Christmastime in Nashville for country singers one and all I'm going to give a right nutty party It's Cledus' Christmas Ball I sent out the invitations Heck I even rented out the hall And I've got a big SACK full of presents Male CHORUS Cledus' Christmas ball... Dolly Parton brought two JUGS (*wolf whistle*) Of wine everyone admired Montgomery Gentry spiked the eggnog Female chorus Chestnut's roasting on an open fire Somebody get Mark off of there Ah the twin fiddles are playing' And it's a sewingin' time for all YEE HAW Everybody's dancin' around Male CHORUS Cledus' Christmas ball HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO Shania'a under the mistletoe And that line was slap down the hall Boy I hope she enjoys kissin' Male CHORUS Cledus' Christmas ball Willie Nelson's homemade brownies Brought us all good cheer Garth retired early again CHORUS But he'll be back next year You can count on THAT The party's dyin' down now So here's my present to you all haha Come check out MY package Male CHORUS Cledus' Christmas ball It's a little bitty piece of me to you Male CHORUS Cledus' Christmas ball CHORUS It's an ornament for your Christmas tree Cledus' Christmas :Ball : :SUZIE :Hey :That's not Santa : : CTJ :SHHHH : :SUZIE :That's Kenny Rogers :The Gambler : :CTJ :Hush yer mouth Merry Christmas from Cledus T. Judd HO HO HO Stephon the Alternative Lifestyle Reindeer Mac Anally Beginner Music (ASCAP) Rumors emanating From the North to all the Poles Outsiders speculating Who's designing Santa's clothes He's the newest face in Christmas And soon the world will know That Rudolph's nose Is not the only reindeer appendage that glows... CHORUS Stephon the alternative lifestyle reindeer Heaven help Santa should he call him queer He's standing tall Against the wall Of prejudice and fear He's Stephon the alternative lifestyle reindeer Well he came out of the forest And that's why he's on the news And ever since that legislation's changed Now they can't make poor Stephon Join in all those stupid stupid reindeer games CHORUS Prancer up in front of him He's got Blitzen to the rear He's Stephon the alternative lifestyle reindeer He's embarrassed by his antlers He retains progesterone And in his mind he looks like Doris Day And if the health plan springs for surgery Some day You know he really may CHORUS He's standing tall Against the wall Of prejudice and fear He's Stephon the alternative lifestyle reindeer Affirmative reaction The world is on it's ear Hey that speech that Jesse Jackson made Brought Rush Limbaugh to tears And he'll go down in history For months or even years He's Stephon (Stephon) The alternative lifestyle reindeer. Hazel's Homemade Hallelujah Punch Richard Fagan-Chris Clark At the Christmas pot luck dinner At the Holy Roller Hall They don't allow no drinkin Of any alch-ee-hol So my Aunt Hazel makes a juice Without the use of liquor And every year It seems to disappear A little quicker CHORUS It's Hazel's homemade Hallelujah Punch Guaranteed to spread some Christmas cheer Fill the cup And drink it up It doesn't take too much Of Hazel's homemade Hallelujah Punch When everyone's done eatin' And they're had a glass or two The strangest things start happenin' Just like they always do The spirit of the season Flows throughout the congregation There must be some magic in that bowl To cause such a sensation CHORUS She swears there's nothing in it But the juice of fruits and berries Some raisins, dates, a few yeast cakes, and maraschino cherries She corks up two five-gallon jugs And seals them every spring And when she opens them up for Christmas The cheer starts to sing Ah HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH Hallelujah punch Aunt Hazel makes Hallelujah Hallelujah An amazing punch Hallelujah Hallelujah You'll hurl your lunch Hallelujah Hallelujah If you drink too much Hallelujah Hallelujah And every sip tastes better and better And better And better Hallelujah Hallelujah CHORUS Hazel's homemade Hallelujah punch Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer Randy Brooks Kris Publishing/Elmo Publishing admin by Integrated CopyrightGroup Inc. (SESAC) Well a couple of good friends of mine Elmo and Patsy Wrote me and said they'd written the perfect country Christmas comedy song. I said "No you didn't. You didn't mention nothing about... ... ... ... Well...yeah you pretty much got it all. I mean Grandma and of course the family and getting drunk and run over by heavy machinery and..." Well since I needed the money I felt obliged to include it on this record. And it goes a little something like this: R: Grandma got runned over by a reindeer Walking home from our house Christmas Eve. You can say there's no such thing as Santa, But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. She'd been drinkin' too much eggnog, And we'd begged her not to go. But she'd left her medication, So she stumbled out the door into the snow. When they found her Christmas mornin', At the scene of the attack, There were hoof prints on her forehead, And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back. R: Grandma got runned over by a reindeer Walking home from our house Christmas Eve. (On her way home) You can say there's no such thing as Santa, (Say there's no Santa) But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. (Lord, we believe) Now we're all so proud of Grandma, He's been takin' this so well. See him in there watchin' football, Drinkin beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle. It's not Christmas without Grandma. All the family's dressed in black. And we just can't help but wonder: Should we open up her gifts or send them back? R: Grandma got runned over by a reindeer Walking home from our house Christmas Eve. (Midnight before Christmas) You can say there's no such thing as Santa, (Say there's no Santa) But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. (Lord, we believe) Now the goose is on the table And the pudding made of fig. And a blue and silver candle That would have just matched the hair in grandma's wig. I've warned all my friends and neighbors. "Better watch out for yourselves. They should never give a license, To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves." R: Grandma got runned over by a reindeer Walking home from our house Christmas Eve. (Minding her own business) You can say there's no such thing as Santa, (What do you mean there's no Santa?) But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. (Lord, we believe) Oh As for me and Grandpa, we believe. (We believe in Santa Claus.) Only 364 Shopping Days 'Til Christmas Bruce Burch/Cledus T. Judd/Chris Clark Foray Music/Caretaker Music controlled and admin. by Foray Music (SESAC)/Cledus Crap Anthems admin. by Bradley Music Mgt. Inc.(SESAC)/Of Music, Inc. by Bradley Music Mgt. Inc. (ASCAP) Only 364 more shopping days 'til Christmas The kids have already started making out their wish list All of those brand new toys they opened up this morning Should come with a warning: Soon becomes old and boring. Back to the malls there's not one second to waste Use Grandma's car and get a handicapped parking space CHORUS There's only 364 more shopping days 'til Christmas HO HO HO No here we go again... Only 364 more shopping days 'til Christmas Manger scenes are on sale get a free Baby Jesus So many gifts to buy So little cash to spend The second to spend The second that it ends It starts all over again. Might as well leave the tree up And the lights right where they are It may seem far away But it's really not that far CHORUS I say that's 364 days times 24 hours 4 times 4 is 16 4 times 6 is 24 plus 1 is 25 4 times 3 is 12 plus 4 is 14 Drop the zeroes down 2 times 4 is 8 2 times 6 is 12 plus 2 is 12 2 times 3 is 6 plus 7 drop the zero That's 6 8 plus 5 is 13 14 times 2 is 7 7 plus 1 That's 8,736 hours to Christmas My gosh that ain't much time I think I' better go I think that was right Only 364 more shopping days 'til Christmas I can't believe how little stress-free time that gives us The credit's all been maxed out But there's still layaway Start now and you might pay It off before the holiday Scratch out those names We can re-use those Christmas cards Save the wrapping paper And keep the snow chains on the tires CHORUS Blow blow blow And lots of dough Ho Ho Ho No here we go again TOP Tree's On Fire Parody of "Ring Of Fire" recorded by Johnny Cash-June Carter Cash-Merle Kilgore New lyrical adaptation by Dennis Amcro Painted Desert Music Corp. (BMI)/Tujaja Music (ASCAP) June Wake up June The tree's on fire June Ohhh noooo Love is a Christmas tree But don't think any old tree is safe Some have a long expire Turn your house into a funeral pyre And I watered that tree Till the branches rose up higher And it drank drank drank But it kept on getting drier Now it burns burns burns This tree's on fire This tree's on fire June call 9-1-1 June Ohhh The heat from the smokin' pine Melted my copy of Walk The Line And I tried to save A Boy Named Sue Dang it cooked him too The cat walked in Set my Christmas tree on fire He climbed climbed climbed Hit some bulbs And stripped the wires :(Meows) :That's when I learned learned learned This tree's on fire This tree's on fire Damn cats I go into my Christmas tree of fire And I huffed and huffed and spit But the flames would not expire Boy it burns burns burns This tree's on fire This tree's on fire Blow June blow Oh keep blowing June Don't Serve Beans Robert Ellis Orrall/Dennis Amcro EMI April Music Inc./TKids Music controlled by EMI April Music Inc. (ASCAP)/Dennis Amoco Music (ASCAP) MINISTER I'd like to welcome everybody again and say how good it is to see you out at the annual Holy Roller Hall Christmas fund raiser. And up next we have a Fellow who we've all come to know in love. Bless him as he comes up and sings. Lord. A lovely holiday carol: Cledus T. Judd featuring Out Of Sync Take it away Cledus CTJ hehe Uh. Thank y'all so much for uh coming out. I appreciate it. I uh pardon me if I seem a little nervous. At least I'm here for a good cause :CONGREGATION :Amen brother : :CTJ :I appreciate it So if you would bear with me while I try to sing one for you. Glad you could All come tonight. Appreciate you so much and it comes from the heart and that's all that matters MINISTER That's all that matters. Amen. Amen CTJ Sta... Sta... Here... There it is... Star of wonder star so bright This one wish I wish tonight If I'm to live till morning's light Please don't serve beans on Christmas night Cook up a steak or toss some greens But don't bake those powerful beans Cause if I take one single bite We won't have a silent night And my poor dog will howl and bay And pray that foul bouquet Will go away Though he will know from whence it came I hope it's him my guests will blame So don't serve beans Please don't serve beans Cook up a steak or toss some greens If I'm to live till morning's light Please don't serve beans on Christmas night CTJ Uh thank you. Thank you so much I appreciate it Thank you Mmm huh thank you. Merry Christmas From the Whole Fam Damily (See Just Another Day In Parodies) Santa Claus Is Watchin' You Ray Stevens Sony/ATV Songs LLC/(BMI) Now babydoll, sweetie-pie, sugarplum, Honey-bunch, angel face, You know you better be good And act like two fine lovers should. Be careful what you say and do 'Cause Santa Claus is watchin' you. (He's everywhere, he's everywhere.) You'd better kiss and hold me tight. An' give me good lovin' every night. 'Cause you'll be sorry if ya make me blue 'Cause Santa Claus is watchin' you. (He's everywhere, he's everywhere.) Well you may thing you can sneak around and get away with something But there ain't no way, 'Cause Santa's no fool, he's really super cool. He's the secret head of the CIA. Eesh, Iish, crime don't pay (You can't do nothin' cause you're never alone He's even got a wire tap on your phone.) So baby if you ever but do me wrong. Break my heart and leave me alone. When Christmas comes, you be crying too. 'Cause Santa Claus is watching you. (He's everywhere, he's everywhere.) [Interlude] Oh, Every Christmas season, he climbs on his sled full of toys, With fuel exhaust and side mirrors, the foxtails, the mud flaps, the leopard-skin seats covers And spreads Christmas cheer to all good little girls and boys. Then he says on Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, and of course, Comet, Cupid, Donner and old Blitzen, Ha ha… and Bruce and Marvin, buddy Leon, and Cledus and George and Bill and old Slick Tatum, and Do-right, Clyde and Ace and Blackie and don't you ever forget Miss Queenie either, and Prince and Spot and Rover (And so eh where's Rudolph at He's on a stakeout at your house.) You can run, you can hide, but you can't get away Got binoculars focused on you everyday. So baby if you ever but do me wrong. Break my heart and leave me alone. When Christmas comes, you be crying too. 'Cause Santa Claus is watching you. (He's everywhere, he's everywhere.) Yeah Santa Claus is watching you (He's everywhere, he's everywhere) Santa Claus got his eyes all over you. Baby…I mean it's over for you You better watch out - Ooh, Lord have mercy look out there's Santa Claus is peepin' around the corner at you Shoot, you in deep trouble. You I mean deep you know that? These lies do you baby come sneaking around like you're somebody… You ain't gonna get away with it do you understand me I mean you gotta be true true blue, through and through Or Santa Claus is gonna get you. So y'all gonna get some of that All I Want For Christmas Is Two Gold Front Teef Parody of "All I Want For Christmas Is Two Front Teeth" Donald Yetter Gardner New lyrical adaptation by Chris Clark Wamer Bros. Inc. (ASCAP) UHH CHORUS All I want for Christmas is two gold front teeth (What?) Two gold front teeth With a diamond in each I'd be a G if I could have two front teeth That I'd wish you a funky Christmas It's Christmas And I'm toothless (Ho ho) I got a cap in my grill that's ruthless (Ho ho) I need a dentist that's both a driller and a jeweler (Ho ho) I'm lookin' for a look that's just a little bit cooler (Ho ho) I don't want toys I don't want any money (Ho ho) I want my carats in my mouth of Bugs Bunny (Ho ho) This year the only thing on my list Is two teeth to match the watch on my wrist CHORUS When someone says "Yo wazzup dog?" I'll say: "You know I'm doin my plug fizzle (Right on) A real OG like ODB My record sales will triple." CHORUS I'd be like Pimp Dracula The Spetacula Cledus T. will be Stone Cold Makea Here I go again with my funky alter ego (Ho ho) Making people laugh is the best gift I know (Ho ho) Better wrap it up put it underneath the tree (Ho ho) I want a million dollar smile like Master B (Ho ho) I'll keep them shinin' like the doves on my duly(sp?) (Ho ho) Santa Claus won't you please bring him to me CHORUS repeat CHORUS That I'd wish you a funky Christmas That I'd wish you a funky Christmas TOP |